I love you.

I love everything about you.
I would do anything for you.
You make me happy in a way that no one else can.

If only you knew.

I wish we could end the charades - Isn't love supposed to triumph over all? If so, then why am I so afraid?

I wish I was strong enough, but I don't believe in myself.

If only it could all be different but also the same.

I want to hold you and never let go.
I want to roll over in the morning and find you there.
I want to touch you
to feel your sweet caress
to smell your hair on my face
to curl up beside you and know that everything will be okay.

To have you know, to have you reciprocate.

It is the holiday season and time for wishes, but I have no faith.

It will never happen. Love isn't for people like me.

Happy Belated birthday Bubba. You would have turned 29 yesterday. I would have called you as early as I could and sang "Happy Birthday" off key and before I could finish you'd start laughing wildly.

I'd ask if I was the first to wish you a “Happy Birthday,” and every year you would say, "My mamma beat you to it again."  "Today I am the King," you would always say on your birthday. How I miss that. You would tell me to come over and when I got there you would say, "what do you want to do today, it's your birthday..." and I'd play along and say, "No Andy, today is your birthday." You'd say let's go to the drum circle, or point Dume at night.

Only on your birthday would I agree.  It was always too cold for me. I would plan on making you a big fancy birthday dinner, but you'd always end up taking over because you thought that you cooked so much better than I. You LOVED renting movies too, so we'd probably rent a movie.  After the movie we would most likely go to Sports Harbor and have some beer and play pool. We would be too wasted to drive home so we'd take a cab to the place by the beach were you wanted to go.

Edgar would most likely already be waiting, (but of course you wouldn't tell me because he and I never got along so well). We'd sit there for hours...talking about the ocean, the future, the past, the "nothing" (most people wouldn't understand this, even if I tried to explain it, so I won't). After a while Edgar would mention he had a "bottle" in his pocket and we'd all start drinking again...at which point you'd ask me to sing you your favorite song, "Sabor a mi," and because I was already drunk I would.

You'd always make me laugh, because of how amazing you thought my singing was..."Damn Natty," you'd say with wet eyes. When it got too late (3-4am) you would finally say, “I'm sleepy are you ready to head back,” but by that time I would have already fallen asleep, so you would have to wake me up to ask me that question. We would all hop off the rock praying to God we wouldn't get swept into the ocean, because by that time the tide would have come in.

I would ALWAYS fall in. It didn’t matter how many different things we tried. You always said I was like a mountain goat...in your sarcastic way.  I'd be wet and we'd all mount in to Edgar's Jeep. He would protest to me that he was "okay" to drive.  So, completely drunk, soaking wet, and freezing cold, I would shut my eyes as tight as I could and pray that somehow we'd all make it home safely. And of course we would.

By this time we'd be starving and you'd insist that we eat at the "Taco truck”, I would then say how I wasn't hungry anymore and you would say, "please bubba, it's my birthday;" knowing full-well that your birthday was at least 4 hours past... :)

What a lovely birthday it would have been... I miss you so much. I thought if I shared this, and enough people read it and felt it, maybe you'd feel it too, wherever you are.

Rest in peace Andy. I love you Bunky. Happy Belated Birthday

Dearest You,

Thank you.

You are this beautiful oasis of calm stability in the middle of my chaotic life. After a series of rough days, I asked for a hug. You were there, by my side, and I felt it all melt away. A moment to lean into you, I could have stayed there for days. Breathing you in, the smokey scent, fitting into that curve above your hip. I wanted to put my arm around you, close my eyes, and just breathe.

Later, you gave me an amazing hug, and again, it all melted away. You holding me tight, me clinging to you, once again breathing you.

Thank you.

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