This can be a very confusing, embarrassing time, so drawing on my long experience I've come up with a list to help me next time it happens:

  1. Is there a goon standing over me? (If so then I've probably been knocked out, this mandates crawling rather than walking below).
  2. Am I missing any body parts? --- check limbs, extremities and teeth; hunt for new scars indicating a recent organ donation.
  3. Am I bleeding, blind, deaf or otherwise in need of medical attention? (Hints: If deaf check for, and remove, earplugs worn to last night's rave; If body feels like it's been hit by a train but is still in one piece, I'm hungover).
  4. Am I wearing pants? (Supplemental: when was the last time I saw my pants? do I remember taking off my pants? did I get into someone else's pants?).
  5. When was the last time I saw my Wallet? (Supplemental: What's the bank's phone number to cancel my credit cards?).
  6. Have I already emptied my stomach contents, or do I feel the need to throw up? (Hint: If dry retching, I've already emptied my stomach contents)
  7. Can I recall what drink, drugs or exotic entertainment I consumed? (Supplemental: If missing teeth, was it her pimp or her father who did it?).
  8. Does this alley/neighbourhood/city seem familiar?
  9. Does the language spoken by the locals seem familiar? (Hint: if not, it's going to be a long walk home, I'd better find my pants).
  10. Is the sky blue(ish) and the grass green(ish)? (Hint: if not, I'm not on earth and I'm not going to be able to walk home, even if I can find my pants).

Of course, on reflection the chances of being able to remember the list are rather small.

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