Right now I am floored.. floored with the fact
someone has gotten past this wall I have built around myself. I do have to admit now.. that maybe
my wall isn't as thick as I perceive it.. which scares me.. but I feel safe,, which kind of scares me.. not the fact that someone got through..
but the
fact that they did and I feel safe.. that probably doesn't make much sense, will making total sense at the same time.
I am really happy right now.. but
all my insecurities and fears are starting to surface.. what if I am not what I am perceived to be.. I do as much as
I can to show all my cards.. but to quote, "We are do not see things as they are.. we see them as we are."
I guess this is natural though.. I respect those with high standards.. I hold myself to high standards.. and unfortunately I don't measure up to my
own standards as much as I would like to..
I always fear falling short in the eyes of others.. the eyes of those I respect and hold dear to me.
Partially out of my own vanity and egotism.. partly out of not wanting to disappoint them.. and partly out of wanting to be fair to them and giving
them what they deserve. As I go on about myself right now.. I am watching my own
egocentrism which I try to keep a leash on surface.
As
egocentric as I am, I try to use it to gain a better grasp on understanding the perception of others. I guess this is useful, especially when I try to
surround myself with people that value system, morals, and ethics.
Right now,
he makes me so happy.. and he says I do the same for him.. so win or loose.. we have both already won.
I know this trepidation is
normal at the beginning of anything new that matters.. and risk is always a factor..
I have been lazy lately with my reading and writing.. I need to work on that. I wrote a project schedule for myself, for this week. I am hoping to
stick to it.