Fourth day back at work:
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I've quit
school. It was too much for me, and now I'm starting to think that work isn't that much better. Lately I've been incredibly down. Usually I can preoccupy myself and try to forget about it, but it always comes back when I
think about things. I've never felt like before now.
It hurts.
I can't find anyone. I feel so alone, so
helpless. Everyone else around me has someone that they can lean on, someone to help them make sense of the world, and I don't.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'm not
alone, but that doesn't
help. I don't feel
complete.
I'm going to the
doctor today. I have no idea what he's going to say, but
everyone has been telling me to see him. I don't know... It
scares me to think that he might want to put me on
drugs, but it would
scare me even more if he wanted to send me to a
counselor. I don't know what I want to happen. Some of my
friends take
pills. Little
blue ones.
I don't know why I'm so
afraid right now.
Doctors don't usually
scare me so much. I think it might be that I may have to
tell him stuff. I'd like to keep that sort of
information from as many people as I can while I
live here. It's a really
scary place where I
live.
I'm also under quite a bit of
stress lately.
Quitting school was almost as hard on me as staying in, but at least it ended quicker. I've also got a
credit debt to pay back, and my work won't pay me for another three weeks. I think I can get by, but I might not have any
money to spend for
Christmas. I've also got to help get some other people get
money...
Has anyone else here had to
cope with this? I was so depressed yesterday that I couldn't even
think. It
scared me. How can you deal with this sort of thing when it seems that you're never going to find
someone? When it seems that no one will ever
love you back?
I
hope I can get out of this. I
hope I can find someone someday. I
hope I won't always be afraid.