knees curled to chest, sitting thoughtfully wishing for something or anything, but knowing it would all end soon enough. tears but, not for herself, not for little humans who would torture or kill, steal life away to improve their own. not for them. tears for the silent screaming agony. bleeding heart bullshit, i heard you through the wall, at least i can feel, at least i can do that.

wide eyed anticipation or.. heart filled longing. i do miss you. always. times, times of mostly alone. i wonder, when the sun dies, the moon is so alive, if i will be able to hold you close enough or press my lips to yours as many times as would suffice, enough to fill the empty, erase this. of course, in your arms there is less, or so much more, to worry over. i found home. nothing, nothing

some days there are no reasons.
As an older male, I am a bit set in my ways. I don't know, maybe it's me, but two things I like in my house are:

  • Food, or anything resembling food-like substances

  • Toilet paper.

    I'm currently going to college full-time with an income from the US Veterans Administration, my wife is working full-time at a job she hates. When I graduate, she gets to go whilst I trudge through the job scene. She picks up after her new puppy and buys groceries, I cook and keep the kids from discovering how things blow up or burn.

    Anyway, there is nothing to eat again. She complains when I shop because I get what the kids and I like to eat. She gets stuff that tastes bland and lifeless, like some chemistry experiment that went horribly wrong, yet happened to look like some sort of meat.

    I'm left here with coffee, kids and no TP for my bunghole. The kids are using coffee filters, but I don't want that association between coffee grounds and poop stuck in my head.

    So here I sit, my guts complaining because neither input nor output is forthcoming. Guess the only way to get rid of some of my shit is to node here on E2. The only other thing is to use that puppy for TP, then blame it on the kids.

  • The day has flipped over. Again. I am getting a little creeped out by the gifs not loading and being confronted by E2 with way too much white space. I don't know why exactly it bothers me. Maybe it has something to do with the general creepiness of all those outdated sites on the web riddled with broken links and images that have gone off to Davey Jones Locker. Maybe it's just a sleep deprivation.

    After writing that I realized that if I spent as much time sleeping as I do babbling about my shattered sleep schedule I might be alright.

    I'm writing this tonight because tommorrow will be my last chance to spend any quality time with my sweetie until sometime next week. Argh. Seminar things are not meant for people with real lives. Ok, so it is a teacher related thing and it does deal with kids at risk which is one the biggest problems that she is having in the classroom.

    Another day log that I spend talking about my girlfriend. I fear that day that I have baby pictures. Anyhow, my girlfriend teaches at the best high schools in Colorado. The unfortunate part is that she has at least a smattering of kids with real emotional problems and other behavior problems that have been diagnosed. Actually the unfortunate part is that she had no idea until a few weeks into the school year. This totally sucks because

    1. It really isn't fair to the teachers who have to deal with the disciplinary problems of emotionally handicapped while not knowing where they stem from. This seems insane given that she is a first year teacher who has enough to learn on the fly as it is. The only reason that the history of these students even came out is that my so had to keep giving them disciplinary referrals for disrupting her classes. This is not fair to these students at all.
    2. Even if she'd had prior knowledge of students in her classes having emotional problems (and some of them are pretty severe: bi-polarity, panic attacks, etc) why wasn't training provided BEFORE school even began.

    So that is the sad story of why I will be spending my weekend by myself. Ick.

    Hopefully I will be able to put in some time filling in the cracks in E2. I'm going to try to bridge the gaps in the Reconstruction Era and the Civil Rights Era because I think they are historically very important. There are nodes on these subjects (and so very well written and researched ones) but there are little bits and pieces to add. Eventually I will organize some of this stuff into meta-nodes. In the long term I'm going to try to bridge together some time lines but that is a little ambitious for the moment. There is too much research and scribbling in coffee stained notebooks beforehand.

    I would also like to say Sorry to Bozon for what ended up happening to her write up for Charles Lynch. Somehow it ended up being banished to the node Phantom Zone where it floats, disconnected from the nodegel. I will fix it. I swear. I don't think it was anything that I really did but I feel lousy about it just the same.

    Heathrow Airport

    excuse the poor spelling and lack of caps - this is beibg typed from the extortionate web terminal at terminal four. i didn't get an upgrade even though i am on crutches, but i will get a row of seats to myself...

    time to find some breakfast and people watch over a huge coffee...

    Later, peeps!

    This morning, arriving at school, we were told that Rory died yesterday. I didn't know him well, or even like him much, but something hit me - How fragile and fucking upredictable life is.

    I made level 4 yesterday. It's slightly pathetic that I'm proud of that.

    Three weeks left of high school. I think I'm scared.

    15:26

    Phew!

    Somehow, working your ass off on a Friday afternoon doesn't seem like a bad way to start the weekend. However, I have noticed that modifying ones old pieces of code - even when it's just simple PHP - is just as annoying as working with somebody else's sources. What the hell was I thinking, using mysql_fetch_row instead of -array? What about those pointless queries and terrible formatting?
    Oh well, I was young and needed the money.

    Since talking about weather is generally considered lame and would offend at least 50% of the 6 people reading this, I am not going to mention how great it is to have the temperature drop near zero and stay there. I'll also keep myself from telling you once again how I wish it would snow already.
    You didn't hear anything.

    Jope stopped by for a job interview today. Him getting hired would certainly help the world domination plans of the mighty Arabuusimiehet by adding to the number of infiltrators in key IT companies.
    In other words, it would be cool to have more friends as fellow slaves in here.

    Time to leave the office soon. I'm looking ahead of an another lonely 2.5 days filled with music, anime and noding. Life is great when you're too busy to feel bored or depressed.


    To be continued.

    I woke up this morning to feelings of inadequacy. He was without rest again last night. These days, we are opposite ends of the spectrum - him an insomniac, and I nearly a narcoleptic. I can still sleep anywhere. In the car, in my chair, on the floor... it just doesn't seem to phase me at all. So I went to bed last night, hoping that for once he could get a good night's sleep as well.

    I'm assuming, seeing as he woke me up by coming to bed and leaving again at different points all through the night, that he didn't. I think the latest time was 6:00 a.m., just an hour before I get up. And I don't know if he even slept then.

    I just don't know what I can do to help him sleep. Last night before bed, we tried this new-age meditation CD I had borrowed from a friend, hoping it would help him clear his mind so that he could sleep. He tells me he started thinking about Friends in the middle of it and it just didn't work at all.

    I've tried giving him backrubs. He tries drinking camomile tea. I've even tried to get him to have sex just before bed, hoping that maybe he'll fall asleep like he's (stereotypically) supposed to. None of it works.

    I just don't know what to do for him. I wake every morning to guilt that I, once again, got a decent rest, while he did not.

    TodayI had high tea on the 83rd floor of KLCC Petronas Towers, where the highest occupied floor is 86th. The top two floors 87th and 88th are only mechanical floor.

    The subsequent lecture on Prince2 project management methodology was also interesting.

    And I should receive the Proton Perdana we've ordered by tomorrow. Yes, and I no longer need to borrow by daughter's Perodua Kancil.

    Exercise Log:
    Insomnia: Wierd. I feel asleep ok, but I overslept, turned my alarm clock off, and somehow reset the hour back one. So I woke up at what I thought was 9:30, and it turned out to be 10:30. Talk about disorienting.
    Tongue log: It's fun to play with, but it started hurting again this morning because I played with it too much yesterday. I think the listerine is permanently staining my tongue blue.

    Going to work late sucks. I've got a cool job where it doesn't really matter much if I'm late as long as I'm on schedule. But my office it right next to another IS person's office, and he's a wierd one. Sometimes I think he wants me to screw up badly, either to make him look good or get me fired.

    Watched Heavy Metal: 2000 last night. It sucked. A lot.

    I'm going to a costume party tomorrow night. I feel a little better about this now, because I have a costume worked out. I borrowed some wierd clothes from a friend, and I'm going as a raver. This doesn't seem very odd, except that I always wear black. Plus, I'm gonna bring a pacifier and wear candy necklaces and stuff. Maybe even get some glow sticks.

    On the drive to work: I left three hours earlier this
    morning to finish a document before its ten o'clock
    review. When I got down to the valley
    it was thick with fog. The visibility was 100 feet or less.
    Luckily there was someone ahead of me - I could see the two
    little red points of his taillights - and not too much
    traffic in the opposite direction. Cars coming towards
    me created this huge haloes. It was hypnotic, dreamlike,
    because at times all I could see was whiteness, the lines
    in the road, and nothing more. There are no streetlights
    out in the sticks.

    Never rely on alarm clocks

    So my presentation was at 8:00am this morning, which is insane enough already. I set the hotel alarm clock for 6:30, enough time to shower, shit and shave and get some breakfast. I'm happily asleep when the telephone goes, with one of my colleagues shouting "where are you?". It's 7:45. PANIC Very quick shower to wash my hair and clean mt face, bundle laptop into bag, jump up and down waiting for the lift/elevator, dash through to the seminar room, and make it for 7:55. The room is full, there are people standing. I counted 250 people, all waiting for a very disorganised geek. Still it gave me a good introduction.

    The talk paced well, I ended right on the hour. The question and answer session was fun, some intelligent questions, and a queue of people to talk to me after.

    New Riders offered me a book deal to write "something" on .NET. This is shaping to be a good day.

    Now I just need breakfast...

    16:30

    I spent the afternoon with Jim Gray, winner of a Turing Award, head of Microsoft's Bay Area research centre. My god. I have never seen so many ideas pour from one person. Even if you're on the anti-Microsoft jihad, just read some of his papers. http://research.microsoft.com/~Gray/

    I've seen .net used in anger. I got to grope with C#. And whilst you may not like me using Microsoft OSes or programs, sod you, I'm taking up the book offer that was made.

    Hmm. Had another boring day of school, sent in my Yale application and played some frisbee in gym, nothing much else. I'm seeing the Dave Brubeck Quartet tonight, however. Hope that's fun.

    I woke up to the sound of a whole bunch of guys shouting and laughing out in the hall. My first thought was "they are all fucking dead." Even though it was 10:00am people at college still sleep until 1:00 usually. I get out of bed and open the door to find 10 or 15 burly, heavy-set guys ripping up the carpet all along the hall.

    Time to go back to bed.

    I wake up an hour and half later and start to get ready for class (at noon). Wouldn't you know it, it wasn't a dream and this time they have glue all over the bare floor. Rather than put some glue down and then carpet over it, and do it patch by patch- they do it in two huge steps. Of course 20 minutes later they're still not done and are nowhere to be found. They took a friggin lunch break??!! There's no way I'm going to wait an hour for them to finish. It's MacGuyver time. Looking around the room I don't see anything except for a couple napkins left over from TacoBell last night. There's not enough to reach the door though... but if I spread them out enough I could reach the bathroom where there's an infiinite number of paper towels!

    --

    Damn, I should've spent more time playing baseball than Quake. I threw the first napkin too far, there's no way I could make that jump. So I grab my roommate's chair (no way I was going to use mine ;-) and put it right at the doorway. I have to make this just right, my room's about 12ft long, the chair a foot and half cube, six foot jump, and four inch square landing.

    Needless to say, Nick walks up and inquires in his thick Southern accent, "What the fuck do you think you're doing boy?"

    "Um, trying to jump over the glue."

    "Glue? This is glue? Ah well, these shoes are half gone anyway..." Nick ends up getting me some paper towels and even lays them down in a nice little path. When the topic of what to do with them comes up he suggests burning them, after being informed that the glue is probably flammable, he still wants to burn them. At this point Anna K opens her door and wants out too. While Nick makes her a path, I manage to pull up my path.

    Wow, I'm only 45 minutes late for class.

    Wow! what a work out this morning.

    WOOHOO!!

    I needed that..... .excercise is such a great stress reliever I don't know what I would do with out it sometimes!

    The boys and I met up with my cousins Farissa and Floyd Sundat night at MINIDTOS (it means 'little nest' in Spanish and they have some really terrific Mexican food). Its' a restaraunt of some reknown in South Tuscon because President Clinton ate there last February. Some of the conversation was as to what exactly President Clinton would remembered most for in history and the general consenus was Monica Lewinski. Farissa recently retired after 23 years of teaching, the last two years spent as a technologist getting her school set up with computers, writing grants and she was partucularly anxious to go back and see how the Cisco(?) program she set up was doing. At the end of two years the students will recieve certification. Floyd is a School Superintendent in Kearns County Texas and does ranching as well. Their daughter teaches at Bush Elementary and even though Democrat, Farissa joked, she felt some obligation to vote for Bush. We were accompanied by two police officers out in front of the restaurant because there is at least one drive by shooting a day in South Tucson. It's not a place to out and about after dark.

    Dad, amazingly, through some miltary services organization has managed to convince Ross Perot ( of all people) to pay half of his prescriptions each month. Now knowing Daddy there's no sense in arguing with him, his connections, common sense and stubborness have always been his assets!

    I told Farrisa the story of the time my sister and I stayed with her mom in Lometa when we were in high school. (Dad was at Lubbock AFB undergoing surgery for a slipped disc he suffered during a flight seat ejection) Lometa is a small town in Central Texas and my sister and I were fresh out of California in the 60's with bright yellow and orange striped mini dresses and black fishnet hose. Twiggy was the in look and needless to say with the high hair and large rodeo belt buckles of the locals we were in for a huge culture shock. Of the 17 different schools I attended all over the world growing up, Lometa was my favorite. It's a small school were all of the girls were on the Pom Pom Team and Homecoming night every single girl attended the slumber party in the Home Ec. Cottage. Housing grades K-12,Lometa is the school where my English teacher introduced me to irony through the works of Thurber, O. Hare, and Twain.

    One night I received a phone call from Randy, a classmate who asked me out (and I accepted) to the Homecoming Dance.....well he soon discovered the next day that he had asked the wrong sister out! Randy, a true Southern Gentleman, quickly arranged for William Hightower to ask me, a rather handsome member of the football team, and we had a wonderful time!

    The most remarkable thing, I told Farissa, Lometa was the only school I had ever attended, and regardless of how I dressed or talked, the boys were friendly and polite and the girls welcomed me from the very first day, with warm hugs and a small jewelry box I still keep on my dresser.

    ***********

    To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.
    Psalm 30:12

    Devotion

    Friday now… Tomorrow is Saturday, and that brings with it a party, and quite possibly more intense activity than I’m prepared for at the moment. Sunday brings a trip back to Toronto, because Monday is when the job interview is.

    It’s at some TO Tech College, teaching Photoshop, Dreamweaver, and other related tools… Pays well, but it’s only part-time. And it’s in Scarborough. Feh. It is a job, though, and I imagine that teaching positions look quite well on a resume.



    Ottawa is dull, otherwise. I’ve spend the lst week sitting around here… Jes and I are quite poor, and going downtown for a coffee is a fifteen dollar expense that we simply can’t afford at the moment. Bus passes are necessary for any kind of social life, I’ve decided.

    I’m kinda torn over the Ottawa/Toronto thing at the moment. I like Toronto. I love Toronto. I want to be working in Toronto.

    So why does it feel so shitty to be going back?

    I have job opportunities here. I can get a job here, that’s not a question. I’m worried that this job in TO either isn’t going to pan out, or it’s gonna be shit, or something along those lines… And I’m going to be trapped in TO, with no money, no way of getting back to Ottawa right away, and a big fat sign saying FAILURE tattooed on my head.

    I’m really quite torn.

    Not to mention, Jes isn’t in Toronto. Jes had a job interview a few days ago, and will be working in Ottawa for one or two months, most likely. That’s two months of being very hungry, poor, and lonely in Etobicoke before she gets there.

    I dunno if I’m prepared to do that at the moment, is the problem.

    Argh.

    But I need to decide soon, whatever I’m going to do. Sunday approaches.

    Last night, in a bout of platonic wrestling, two of my housemates pinned me to the couch and painted my fingernails gold. This is an excuse before the fact for the appearance of a certain person suffering a strange jaundice at Wintersweet's halloween party tomorrow. Their excuse was that I would not go to work on Halloween, so I had to be costumed today.

    It's my last day at my current job! We aren't going to go into just why I'm leaving, as Quizro put it in one of his nodes of much too personal information,

    perhaps they want more details. Tough noogies, you shan't have any.
    Anyway, not to digress, but for lunch we went to the Oaks Club Room, a card room and hofbrau in the less-than scenic side of Oakland. I had a huge plate of corned beef and smashed potatoes and a schooner of anchor steam beer.

    Spread out before me is my freedom from the grind. The only plans, aside from a week in Paso Robles, are to write a set of divisions upon a ground for theorbo and viola da gamba.

    My friend Mike wasn't in school today, so he still has the Minidisc player/recorder which I lent him. Gave Ramsey one of the DEC laptops. Right now I've got a big history of the english language project due in a little while and it won't get done on time. School was the usual, though I managed to stay awake in all my courses. The odd thing is that I had nothing to eat today at all until 5:30pm, I swear my nervous system is broken, I didn't even feel hungry, I ate because I was bored. I don't feel hot or cold very much either, even when other people are freezing, its odd. My dad has been out all afternoon, oh well, and my mom is working and she's got the only laptop we have with IrDA. There's some big football game up at the high school tonight, but I don't care enough, most of my friends are busy playing in the band anyways.

    "Notorious"

    Too Damn Early: Woke up. Drove her to class. Drove her to withdraw from Precalculus. Came home. Lazed about in bed.

    Midday: Woke up again. Went to Amy's. Got a migraine.

    1500: Went to Summit, NJ, to see Mom, 2nd-cousin, uncle. Mom gave me a fioricet (butalbital) and sent me home. I like phenobarbitols. They make my head stop hurting.

    1900: Home. Pizza. Everything.

    I am feeling far too crappy to be witty or engaging. This writeup is for my own record.

    I am me
    	I won't define me and you won't find me
    I am me
    	I won't display me and you won't see me
    I am me
    	I won't describe me and you won't hear me
    I am me
    	I won't broadcast me and you won't feel me
    I am me
    	Why should I give you any information
    	If you want to know me you'll have to try
    	And chances are you won't succeed
    	I know your tactics
    	But if you are original you might reach me
    	And you might not like what you see
    	And you might be confused by what you see
    	And you might be scared of what you see
    But you either know me or you don't
    
    I finally got my homedir on the university UNIX server back. I had an unfortunate chmod experience, that resulted in me giving myself no permission to my home directory. I had to send an "I'm a loser"-gram to the sysadmin to get my files back. Blech, I hate it when I do stupid things...

    I notice that a lot of my writeups in GTKY nodes have been going away recently. Not all at once, but one or two a day. If you're doing it to irritate me, you're not, I was about to nuke request half those writeups anyway. If you're doing it for the good of E2, good for you :-)

    My day started off on the late side, but I was looking forward to a fun day! I got up at 6, right on time. I took my shower and climbed back into bed, hoping not to fall into a deep sleep so I could be up by 6:30. But of course, what happens? I fall asleep and my brother hollers to me'"Steve, get up. It's quarter of 7." I shoot up out of my bed and try to get dressed as fast as I can. I have five minutes to get ready and make my bus. (a.k.a the loser cruiser)So anyways, I gel my hair up and run off to school. Make it to my bus, barely, but I do make it! I then prepare myself for another day at high school.

    Talking to my friends at my locker is always a morning little thing. We all gather in a group in front of my locker and talk until the bell goes off. I realize that I forgot my current event for history and say,"oh man!!!" I then hear the bell and make my way to my first period class. I then think to myself that my bag is kinda light. I think, what could I possibly be missing? My geometry book, I have that 3rd and I dont usually go back to my locker. I turn around and head back to get it. I get it and run to class so I'm not late. I have a pretty easy day and end up getting that current event done before history. Mine was about a sub in Russia that sank in August. They recovered a body that had a note on it saying 23 peeople were still alive. So anyways, I leave school and get home. I go to the bank to cash my check and then go to my friend becki's house.

    I panic about a halloween party I'm going to later tonight and try to throw my costume together. i plan on being Sam I Am from a Dr. Seuss book. I make a sign that says Sam I Am on the front side of me and then in the back another saying I Am Sam. I also make green eggs and ham. I go to the store and pick up make-up and coke. I go to my friend jenn's house(the place of the party and bring everything in. Turns out I forgot the sheet that I was gonna make the body of my costume into. So me and becki and Jenn brain storm on what I should be. We come up with a sheet which can't be ruined. We make it into a toga so I am now the Greek Sam I Am! I put on the face make-up and put on my big poke-a-dotted hat. I get my green eggs and ham and my sign and then start decorating the house. People start to come and we have a great time. I then get picked up from Becki's mom and drop Kristin off. I get out of the car at my house and jump onto the computer. check e2 and write a node. Well, now that was my day and it turned out to be a fun one, just like I thought!
    Alarm makes that annoying sound as it always does.

    I gleefully ignore it as I always do. zzzzz...

    The third time I wake up, I decide I really should get ready since I have a midterm exam to contend with. I crawl out of bed and decide to get the mail. Dressed only in my boxers, I open the door and check the mailbox. No mail. I turn to look at the street, and conveniently enough, here comes a female postal carrier. Apparently the regular one called in sick, hence its lateness. Anyway, here I am, out the door, half-naked, with this total stranger approaching. What to do?

    Run back inside, of course.

    Morning routine. Shower, shave, brush, dress, etc. I decide to do a 5-minute mini-cram session, and read the Adobe Acrobat notes my professor conveniently provided. Yeah, I know this stuff, I'll be okay, that stuff, that doesn't look so important, it probably won't be on the test...

    9 miles and 45 minutes later I arrive on campus. I reach my classroom, and as usual, I am late, and everyone is well into their test. The test isn't too difficult. Yay, glad that's over. I survive another week.

    My brother has some trouble with his hard drive, and I go to his dorm room later in the afternoon to take a look at it. Strangely enough, his partition table disappeared. I express my doubts to him that this happened all by itself, as the drive was otherwise fully functional. Oh well, reformat and reinstall, Windows 98 needed it anyway.

    Making plans for tomorrow's Halloween excursion. We seem to have a handy group. I'm bringing two worlds together - my sister's circle of friends, and my group of friends. Will worlds collide? We'll see.

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