Never thought that life was fair in any way. But also I've never been angry about it because I knew nothing could be changed. It was just the way it was supposed to be. Many times I thought I could actually change who I was and the way my life was going. But no opportunity has appeared. Well...It's wrong to say that there was no opportunity. But my confidence was way too low. I knew the pain of not trying was harder than the pain of failing. I knew that I was good enough to actually succeed in some way if I had the will. Always been an underachiever. Mostly because I realized that I would get by whether I worked hard or not. I’ve been waiting for that "next time". I was telling myself that maybe I needed somebody to guide me. And yet, I was aware that nothing is going to happen just like that.
My social life is a quite poor one. Who I am kidding? It’s non-existent. I know people, but not well enough to actually hang around with them. And that's why we have schools. I am getting enough human interaction that I don't feel like a complete shut-in. As expected, I didn't get in one of the best high-schools in the city. Maybe I am dumb, maybe I'm lazy. Who knows? It’s kind of hypocrite of me to say this, considering I'm in the same school as them, but damn some of these people are stupid. Finding somebody worth talking to is like looking for gold in a frozen river...covered in concrete.
Perhaps I'm exaggerating. You can find people to have an actual discussion with. It's just that I can't seem to care about them and their opinions. But there is this girl. Her name is Alice. The situation is strange. She has a boyfriend and I'm not that interested in her. I mean...I am interested a little because she's beautiful and everything, but that's all. She’s not the smartest girl but not dumb at all. Weirdly enough, she has a boyfriend and she's the one who started talking to me. I know, right? I'll say it again...It's a strange situation. Even if I don't have any real feelings for her, I feel a slight satisfaction when I see her angry at her boyfriend. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a bad person.
It was one of those days. You know what I'm talking about. When you know something is not alright or something is about to happen. Been like this since the day started. Woke up rather late, had to hurry to school. Everything was just normal. And by normal I mean boring as hell. But it didn't feel right. It was a Friday. Can’t remember very well but you could say it was a Friday the 13th just for the sake of it. Every time I worry about something, I can feel this pain in my chest. I had left school early and gone home hoping that the pain in my chest was gone. I mentioned early that I'm not that much of a social guy. So what does a guy like me do on a Friday night? I play fucking games all night long.
Strangely enough, some old friend of mine told me to go with him and some friends of his at some party. Long story short, I got there. It was so god damn awkward for me. I probably knew all the people at that party but almost nobody knew me. That's because I'd always been the shy little kid in the back that everybody leaves behind. I couldn't care less. Even Alice was there with her boyfriend and some other people. Let me get this straight. I don't dance. I’m not the guy who goes in the middle of the room and acts dumb so I get attention. I’m the guy who you'll see in the corner with a drink in his hand and studying everybody's reactions.
While I was talking with some unknown girl and wasn't listening to a word she was saying, this hooded guy enters the room. I don't know how it happened, but I felt like time skipped a few seconds and the next thing I know, there is this guy pointing a gun in the general direction of Alice. It was feeling just like a bad movie. Everybody saw the guy and started panicking. Alice just froze there while everybody was running around her. All night I ignored the music at that party but somehow in that moment all I could hear was that dumb song. I felt relaxed for the first time in that day and all my worries were gone. For the first time in my whole life I felt like there is a reason and a purpose for me. Everything went black. No sounds, no sight, nothing. I wasn't even confused about what happened and where I was. It felt natural. While I knew only a few seconds have passed, it was feeling like an hour. Like I was waking up, all my senses were coming back. The music was still there. The shooter was standing in front with a smoking gun and he had this expression like he had accomplished his purpose. As I turn around I saw Alice scared and almost crying. She was staring at my chest and she was more confused than I was. I looked down. I had three gunshot wounds in my chest and a lot of blood on my new shoes. I fell on my knees and everything went black again.