Especially for Everything2, from the people who brought you the conferences "How To Be Successful," How to be Smart," and "How to be Very, Very Well-Bred" comes...
HOW TO PICK UP MEN
The Official Guidebook (excerpted)
Pick the one you want...then go get him. If it's dark or you're unsure of anything, don't be shy about viewing him at close range. Men understand that just because you're looking at them, it doesn't mean you're interested. It's normal procedure.
If at all possible be a tall blonde. If not, try being a buxom redhead. In special cases, you may try to be either buxom OR a redhead but it is not sufficient to be just blonde or just tall. Ultimately you should be a six foot Asian redhead. Try very hard at this.
- Hair - try to have as much hair as possible and flip it around as much as you can. This disorients the man you have chosen, renders him helpless, and as a bonus, keeps him at a safe distance.
- Clothing - Clothing is overrated. Try to avoid getting caught up in trends. People will tell you that you need to wear a coat when it rains and warm things sometimes, but you really don't need to listen to that kind of propaganda. Most people are inside a lot so a halter top is always appropriate. Try to find the smallest garment possible and then wiggle around in it a lot. If you should find yourself in a long skirt or evening gown or some other unhappy garment, try to make the most of it and make sure that it's tight or that you jiggle a lot.
- Shoes - Shoes, it should be noted, are not meant to be functional, but are rather mostly for decoration. Try and wear the highest heels possible. Red is the best. Try not to fall or anything, but if you are going to be sitting or even leaning against a wall most of the time, it's nothing you should worry about. If you do fall over, no biggie. These things happen.
- Breasts - Try to have nice big breasts. This is important.
- Charm - Try to have a lot of charm, especially if you aren't buxom, redheaded, or tall and blonde.
- Perkiness - Don't be perky. It's annoying, and a LOT of work.
- Attitude - Your attitude should reflect a complete lack of caring. Be belligerent about it. There are two ways to go about this: you can either be the superior, pointy toed shoes-wearing, intelligent übervamp or you can be the adorable helpless fragile flower. Either way, it gives the man something to chase and they like run around and stuff like that.
- Breasts - Breasts are an important part of your personality. I'm not sure how but um, they are. So, do whatever you can to make them perky and all that.
Try to be polite. This is only a general rule, though; if you are inconvenienced, annoyed, or too tired to be pleasant, you can be as rude as you want, especially if you are provoked. However, if you are going to be very rude, make sure to be very very attractive so it will seem cute and feisty and not unappealing.
Smoking - Try not to smoke. If you must, be as courteous as possible and hold your arm out perpendicular to your body. Be sure to dangle the cigarette from your body loosely. This makes you seem dangerous. Actually, it DOES make you dangerous and men like things like that, like shiny cars to crash in and sports like rollerblading or lawn darts. This also keeps the man at a safe distance.
Eating - Try not to eat. If you must, eat something that doesn't require chewing, like yogurt or boiled monkey brains. Also, if you don't eat, don't pass out, either, as this is annoying, time-consuming, and the impetus behind force-feeding, which is irritating and messy at best.
Drinking - Try to drink a lot. It's fun and you'll find that as you drink more and more, you worry less and less. Men like it. It's fun for them, too. It's like a Slinky or bisexuals - fun for girl and boy.
Breasts - Arch your back. This really doesn't have anything to do with politeness but I had room to include it here.
Sex - If you want, you can have sex whenever desired. Simply make sure you really want to and aren't just bored or something. Don't let the man decide whether to have sex or not. They think sports are interesting and that Jean-Claude Van Damme movies are a good idea and therefore cannot be trusted with important decisions.
Speaking - Try to be interesting, if it's not too tiring. Don't feel the need to be intelligent, however. This reminds men of school and leads to expectations of note-taking and a later quiz. Don't worry to how he reacts to what you say; it's unimportant at best.
Make your final decision.
Repeat as needed.