Created just for Everything citizens, from the originators of the wildly successful pop-up
pamphlet "How to be Like George Washington Carver
" and from the creator of the upcoming business training seminar "Sexual Harassment
and Your Personal Success
: A How-To
Guide on Proper Harassment Techniques in the Workplace," we present
HOW TO BE PICKED UP BY WOMEN
The Official Guidebook (excerpted).
For the sake of clarity, let’s refer to the female as Ginger and the male as Franklin.
When looking for Franklin, Ginger will provide numerous key signals allowing all prospective Franklins to be aware of her intentions. Many of the initial gestures will take place at the first sighting of Ginger, or, the approach. Be aware of swaggering; this is dangerous territory and only experienced Franklins should move forward with this type of Ginger. If Ginger looks at you upon approach, it’s a good thing. If she does not, don’t kid yourself with the foolish thought that you haven’t been spotted by her yet. She knew she wanted you long before you even got up this morning! The best thing to say here is that if she’s heading your way, LOOKING at you, you’ve got at least a one in twenty shot.
Ginger’s appearance is important - to a point. Try to attract a tall blonde. A buxom redhead is your next step, if tall blondes are difficult to come by. It is perfectly acceptable to mix and match the above traits but be careful! Again, this is a step for experienced Franklins only.
- Hair - Ginger is trained to have as much hair as possible, and this doesn’t bode well for Franklin. It is used as a deterrent, so the moment you see flipping hair, don’t get any closer. The lack of flipping should be a sign of acceptance on Ginger’s part to move closer. At no time should you watch flipping hair! It WILL disorient you, often putting you off your guard. Be careful of this trick.
- Clothing - Make mental notes about the clothing Ginger is wearing - future gift ideas are right in front of you! Other than that, the only purpose for clothing is to seed your fertile imagination. For some reason, Ginger thinks clothing matters.
- Shoes - Again, this is something Ginger finds important. Seriously, how often do you look at Ginger’s shoes? Who cares?!
Breasts - If anything was more important than Ginger’s breasts, then breasts wouldn’t be as important as they are! Uh...or something like that. In any case, NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO NOTICE BREASTS. Save this for later. And trust me: SAVE THEM FOR LATER!
Ginger’s personality is almost guaranteed to be fake, at least during the initial selection process, or "conversation." It’s a lure. Just go along with it.
- Charm - To Franklin, charm is simply having Ginger speaking in his general direction. Accept that, Franklin - it’s true. I’ve studied this stuff.
- Perk - Walk away from Ginger if she is perky. This is annoying, and it means Ginger is trying too hard.
- Attitude - This will mean a lot to Franklin, although it also will be as fake as Ginger’s intent to go home with you. Be on the lookout for the "I don’t care" variety. This is what you want. It appeals to your desire to run laps. Don’t ask.
Breasts - At this stage, Ginger’s breasts should become only a very small issue, although they SHOULD NOT BE VERY SMALL themselves. Don’t get these two points confused, for you can shoot yourself in the foot for doing so.
Etiquette - Politeness is the norm in a situation where Ginger has approved Franklin for further testing, much like how the FDA operates. If Ginger is rude from the outset, you’ve somehow intercepted her on the way to another Franklin. It’s best to apologize and leave at this point. If you pursue further, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Rudeness should only be accepted if it follows politeness, in which case Ginger has only now become annoyed with you, or has simply grown tired of the pointless exchange. If she’s attracted to you, disregard it as nothing and continue. For some reason, it’s okay at this point, in Ginger’s opinion. Above all else, do not provoke Ginger - rudeness is assured at this point.
Smoking - If Franklin and Ginger both smoke, things are good. If Franklin and Ginger are both nonsmokers, things are even better. If one smokes and the other doesn’t, proceed with caution. Again, only experienced Franklins should consider continuing. If a dangling cigarette comes into play on Ginger’s part, STAND BACK. Again, this is just a defensive move. Simply be cautious.
Eating - Ginger is probably not going to be eating. If she is, note what she is consuming - dinner plans could be in your future. Other than that, eating is not a concern. Only Ginger thinks it matters.
Drinking - Allow Ginger to drink if she chooses to. It can only aid your quest. To be honest, it actually aids Ginger’s as well, and actually makes things easier.
Breasts - At this point, especially if Ginger has been drinking, breasts are okay for consideration. Remember, this entire ritual/conversation is taking pace because Franklin is being approached by Ginger, not vice versa. This essentially means be inconspicuous about it, and only make mental notes for later review. This is still her ball game.
Sex - Sex is Franklin’s goal. Sex is Ginger’s goal. The only difference is that Ginger pretends it
isn’t. Keeping this in mind, it only matters that when it happens, you’re both present.
Speaking - Ginger is, under most circumstances, going to speak. Much of what she says is either pre-planned or simply a tool to weed out the rock-stupid Franklins. Do NOT assume that any Ginger is less than intelligent - it’s just not true. Ginger is actually a higher form of the human species. Try to be cautious of how YOU react to what she says - you ARE being graded, after all.
Departure - Departure is a guaranteed outcome, and there are two possible reasons for it: (1) Approval - If you’ve been deemed acceptable, you will most likely be departing WITH Ginger, at which point all of the above immediately becomes null and void, and the two of you can move on to better and more accurate things. Good job, Franklin! (2) Denial - At any point in the inquisition, Ginger is given the right to abruptly leave, with or without reason, and it is entirely within her power and means to perform some sort of physical attack before doing so. In any case, do not pursue. Straighten yourself up and prepare for a grueling run-in with another Ginger. Better luck next time, Franklin.