How dare she call me after she hasn't talked to me in a year, when the last thing she did was insult me? Who does she think she is, that she can waltz in and out of peoples' lives like the fucking breeze? She left a message on my answering machine leaving her phone number in Chicago (THAT BITCH, THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO LIVE, I don't care how big it is, it ain't big enough for the both of us, sister) and her old cell phone number from Michigan. I will NOT call her.

Five things I am thankful for today:
1. I am thankful that I am not so rash as to call Lee right now and just swear at her and hang up.
2. I got play-doh for St. Nick's day.
3. Paxil is not making me nauseous.
4. Post-It notes, how I love them...
5. I am thankful for Witchiepoo.

Updated Lee Stories and Paxil Diary. I'm hoping that the Paxil diary will be helpful to others as a basic idea of what the process is like. Plus, I'm sure it will be helpful to me if I see an entry like: Day 31 - took out all of the silverware and spit polished them, then arranged them into a mosaic on the kitchen floor. Feels Great to be alive! Time to comb each individual hair on the cat.

Also - plowing slowly but surely through Catch-22 by James Heller. Can't seem to get engrossed in the book, but I've been told by lots of respectable people that it's a worthy read.
I figured out why I never do anything alone today. People keep me from my melancholy.
It's closing around me now.
I mourn for the world.
There's so much pain and I feel that pain. Someone is dying right now, someone is being tortured, someone else is being killed. People are so horrible to each other. I can feel them.

Someone else is loving right now, wrapped up in a delicious ecstasy that I have never known. Something that makes me happy and jealous at the same time.

The lights are so beautiful. I think this as I almost crash my car. So hypnotic...the roads are outlined, they are streams of glittering lights. Everything around me glows with beauty. I yearn for it. It makes me cry.

Everything is a dichotomy. Humans are both beautiful and terrible. Glittering cities are so beautiful but horror lies underneath and all around. You can see the beauty only or the horror only. I see both at the same time and feel hollow.

Yesterday was my brother’s 16th birthday. I was rudely awakened from my daily nap, and was told Adam had decided he wanted to eat dinner in Grandville. We first had to drive to Hamilton to pick up The Girlfriend from cheerleading practice. Not only did we have to go into the highschool and look for her, but once we found the girl, she refused to leave even ten minutes early. The entire varsity Hamilton cheerleading squad was witness to a heated argument between Adam and his Sheena. The coach finally got sick of listening and ended practice.

The ride to Grandville was uneventful, besides the fact that Sheena insisted on putting on layers and layers of makeup in the backseat. The end result was amusing; she had more streaks and lines across her face than anything else. We said she looked fine.

Dinner was nice. We went to Kahunaville, the new restaurant at Rivertown Crossings. Good food, and too much of it. I had a house salad with no dressing, and two glasses of pineapple juice. We then spent about an hour in the arcade across from the restaurant. I won several hundred tickets and graciously bestowed them upon Adam to do with as he wished. He traded them in for handcuffs, Coke bottle glasses, and a tiny star-shaped slinky. I got to keep the last item – quite a benevolent gift from a loving brother.

The ride home was anything but fun. During their usual bout of hitting, scratching, and screaming at each other that usually precedes sexual encounters, I somehow got caught in the middle and suffered a severely bruised face. Neat. Just what I always wanted.

Today was better, despite my bruises. No school, but I had to run to Hope and take the oral exam for French. It went well enough. The professor asked me to read a poem written by Charles Baudelaire, and then explain what I thought about it. The entire ordeal took less than half an hour, and was much easier than I had expected. Now I just have to take the written portion of the exam next week, and I am free from French until January.

As long as you’re free.

Life has been interesting of late.

For one, a few days ago, something very rare happened here in Murfreesboro, TN. One: it snowed rather heavily. Two: I was offered a job at my neighbor's Internet startup. That's right, I, a 15 year-old, high school nut who thinks he used to live on a space station, was offered a job. Let me explain:

He told me he was starting a new company around an idea that the venture capitalist group that is willing to fund him said they have never heard proposed before. I'm not allowed to describe it here (it's kind of hush-hush), but what I can say is that he (my neighbor's brother) asked me to help develop the software part of this whole thing. This is good in many ways: I'll learn XML and how to code for hand-held devices and I'll get a share in the company if the V.C.'s think the whole thing will fly.

Woohoo!

So that's one neat thing. Second neat thing: I have become attracted to the girl I went out with two years ago. It's not jsut a physical wanting either...we're both basicly nuts, when we're together...well, things tend to break down and we both wind up making fools of ourselves.

I really reall like her. WhetherI love her...well, I'm only 15, ok? Ask me that again in 6 years or so.

One problem (of course. There's always *one problem*) - she's already going out with someone. Someone who could very easily kill me if I were to cross him, even when I'm spazzing out and going absoulutly bezerk (you'd have to ask my friends, as I've never really fully spazzed out here before. Maybe once when Dem Bones wanted me to write him some pr0n, but that's a whole different story.). So what do I do? Just wait? Ask her? *Argh!* My poor throbbing mind.

Nothing more to say. I'm going to shut up now and quit dumping my issues on you. Good night.

i'd walk the water to get back to you, and where i was complete..

i cried over a spinning record i cried because it was over like the passing roadside on too long car trips, streaks of colour and they were not the sort that spill.. they simply fill your eyes and then, linger.

sometimes i am so caught up in the fact that i have never felt so comfortable or right, with anyone. no one. i've never wanted to sit and simply stare at someone, watch them sleep, breathe, watch their chest rise and fall just to absorb fully the fact that they are alive. i've never felt like this before.. really. so how did you slip in, how did i let you? it was fast but, i wonder now why it took even as long as it did.

in my head, i sat beside you, or, in front yes, in front and i looked into your eyes like a movie but only after i took in the ceiling and floating light memories. i looked at you and said everything and nothing, i closed my eyes to pause, i blinked to stall.. but you knew. sometimes i live in my head, little scenes from a coffee shop i once sat in, sometimes i live in thoughts of you.

every little thing in my life is so much to me. i wander outside and i am captivated by the world. i walk to a store and i feel like i've travelled so far from here. i stroll under moonlight to the top of a low hill and i am on highest mountain. really.

sometimes, when i read beautiful, aching, brilliant text, it is such fucking bullshit. other times, it feeds me. i am always drawn to you. also i am just rambling and were all of you aware how many totally insanely amazing people are wandering around the universe? really.
Its 1:21 AM, At 1:16 AM my call-manager poped up. I've heard that only three types of calls can come at a late hour; Wrong Numbers, Sales-calls, and bad news.

The callers were "Eddie & Puppa" - My parrents. The voicemail length was 32 seconds. Short sweet and to the point. "Puppas going to Halifax in the morning, and wants to know if you wanted to come. Calls us back as soon as you can. Bye." * Click and dead air *

My parrents just dont goto Halifax. They basically removed themselfs from humanity, there nearest neightbours are miles away - they need to travel over an hour to get groceries.

I dont like the sound of it. In other news I'm 3 writeups from level 3, and I've had 4 nodes killed in the past few days (some of them sucked, I'll admit it, 2 were not that bad tho - one had a rep of 7) - The only one where I had prewarning or nottice was one on Diffs, which I could accept being deleted. The others I was in shock to find missing. The gods hate me.

* Sigh *: Looks like I miscounted, 5 nodes killed.
mmm....just another fucked up week. before i forget...god damn! i forgot! what the fuck!? I'm sure there was something important and worthwhile that i wanted to tell you...something that would open your eyes to see the world differently. Something that would change your ways. Something that would make you understand. But I forgot. Eh, not important now. We move on. Time heals. Blah blah blah. Oh why is it still there? Don't ask me. I'm drunk.

So let's see what happened this week. You know this is a good therapy of sorts. I realize why girls write in their diaries now...From a Scarface song: "I can't talk to my mom so i talk to my diary". And that's a hard-core rap too. For me i think it has something to do with the fact that i can't share my feelings with people. I still find myself having that kindergarten mintality - "What if they laugh?"...who the fuck cares my grown-up part says...but i guess im still mostly five.

Anyhow back to the week-node. Perhaps the highlight was the staff party. We shall leave it for the end. Because it happened a short hour ago, and i will go into detail leaving the rest of the week-node worthless.

Point A. I'm getting better at foosball. I think management made a big mistake when they installed it in the game room. Every time a person has a few short minutes of a break they would head there and play. I'm getting a lot better. I beat Robin twice today. Yay. Im happy and creamin my pants. He really hates my bank short. **evil laf**

Point B: i finally completed my assignment for calculus:integration. You know what? Always do your homework. I haven't been doing jack shit homework-wise for the last 5 years. My brains are gone. It takes so long. Anyhow, i'm sorta proud that i got through it. I learned some shit too. As long as we're on the topic of school..my friends are weird. There are not there for me.. maybe i'm bullshitting? but, but..but hopefully it's just the final exam time. Look at all the whining about that in the day nodes. heh.

Point C: the Staff party. I can't say that it was a blast. I mean imagine buncha people that are 10 years your age having fun. Wtf? I mean i talk to them, i have fun with them, but it's not the same somehow. I miss my friends. Anyhow. We got this email about this staff partyt hing about 3 weeks ago. Blah blah. It was today. We got vouchers (for free cab) so we don't drink and drive. It was a 1920's theme party at performance works on granville island. Me and my coworker ordered a cab, and got there around 7. The cabbie was some weird brown dude who barely spoke english and barely could drive too. No offense man. We got there. I really felt out of place. Nothing that couple of shooters couldn't change. We had two free drinks payed for by the company too. I used them up in the first 40 minutes. I thought that i should take it slowly as not to embarass myself in front of coworkers(but really who cares). All the important people were there. I gotta add that the only two hot chicks (who are still around 10+ years older then me) were doing just that looking hot). The white one, has a boyfriend ( i knew that). The REALLY HOT asian one was thought to be alone until i heard her introduce a white guy as a her husband. Bummer!!!!! D'oh! Fuck! Not like i had a chance, but i can dream can i? I can't ?! What?! What the fuck!? You can't stop me!!! Get the fuck outta here! Anyhow that was a bummer. Anyhow it was sorta boring. The only thing i was doing is drinking. I spent 20 bucks on drinks. Plus the free drinks that i leeched of other people. I got around 10 shooters of vodka some of them straight on the rocks some of them flavored. Caesar sucks. It's too spicy. Cranberry is perfect. Perfect! I was creamin' my pants when i tried that. So i had about half a litre of vodka. Lovely. Suddenly it was the time to go home. I couldn't believe it. I was alright. Not wasted. But alright. i had 10 shots, in the span of 5 hours. That's 2 shots an hour. Argh. Hmm...back to the party. The CEO gave out some awards. I was half ok/half pissed that none of them for me. I mean i would have to go out in front of all these people to recive it. Scary. Then people were eating. I got two servings while the poeple were finishing the first one. I guess i was hungry. The guy looked at me funny. They all look at me funny. What the fuck? Then every one was learning how to swing dance. I was sitting and sippin on my cranberry vodka. One of the dudes asked me why i wasn't dancing. I explained to him that you need a woman to dance. And i broke up with my girlfriend a while ago. He sighed and explained to me that it took him a lot of time to find the right woman. I was sorta suprised at that - but of course i knew it all along. We decided to go home - it was getting late and i have to work tomorrow - event though it's saturday (my suggestion - never ever,ever deal wiht remote developers!!!). We had to wait for the cab for half an hour. Apparently it's the christmas season and 4 more corps had their parties. Whatever. I got home. Showered. Then is - now. I still can't believe i'm standing after the amount that i drank. I'm gonna hit the bed now. Work tomorrow, and 5 hours of sleep average for a week. Night. I hope you have a better life then me.

PS: I stumbled upon a def of bipolar disorder. It curiously reminds me of myself. Maybe i should see a therapist. Sigh. Everything feels wrong. Maybe it's the lack of sex? Yeah lets blame it on that. Maybe i just need to hurt someone. Or get hurt. Goodnight.

PPS: (10 minutes later)A question that i ask myself all the time: What's the point, why am i here?

PPPS: K says i sound drunk in this node. But we all know he needs more sleep. GO TO BED MAN!

The bleach is starting to run down my neck while David Cronenberg's Rabid screams and growls from the living room...

what a pisser.

I really can't complain though. I've spent the day with two of the most near and dear to my heart. I had a lovely dinner, with even more lovely pitchers of Margaritas. Tomorrow I have dinner plans with a good friend of mine...
For the first time in a long time all is right with the world. I mean, I spilled Suzy's hair dye down the front of the last remaining pair of good work pants and as I said, the bleach is running down my neck, but other than that, I can't complain.
Suzy and Bry have turned an otherwise disasterous week in to something not only tolerable, but downright enjoyable. I've smiled freely and easily today. All my bullshit has been left at the door and been replaced by Mexican food, alcohol and good company.

I hope that this turns into one of those nostalgic, idealized memories that we sit around over beers and talk about years from now. I hope it's got that glossy, golden quality that all the memories I've been escaping to have had.

I'm babbling. Maybe the bleach is soaking into my brain.

I wish I would've noded this earlier, but seeing as I've nothing in mind to node and I was going to continue my Futurama Episode Guide noding frenzy, but I didn't want to watch anymore Futurama's to remind myself of what happened for the synopses.

I only had one class today and it was English, my worst class. I always loved English, but my teacher is the biggest arsehole. Whatever, I'll kick ass in English in future times.

I had planned to study all morning in the library which I did, but only for an hour...out of 4 hours. I spent 40 minutes running around the mall (I love running!) for exercise...which made me hungry so I headed to McDicks for breakfast. Then I went to school to study, did so for an hour. I fell asleep after that for half an hour which seemed like a 3 hour sleep or something. I think I even had a dream during that time. Anyways, I woke up realizing that there was some guy sitting beside me and that's when I quickly sprinted my way out of the library, embarassed that I had probably been mumbling in my sleep or snoring.

I went to Chapters for awhile. This is probably the most disturbing thing today. After having bought coffee at Starbucks I came across the magazine section of Chapters and just froze there. I was staring at a copy of Maxim. I must've spent 30 seconds staring and it was a pretty crowded place. I was staring at this half-naked girl covering her boobs. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?? WHAT?? WHY AM I STARING AT THIS FILTH?? I fucking hate Maxim. It's social garbage. But I couldn't shrug off my instincts. Ugh. Again embarassed at what had just happened, I quickly ran to the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section to hide. I wasn't really looking at the books, I mean I almost know every book in that section and I've either read, owned or heard about most of those books. I needn't be there, but I hid there to laugh. To laugh at how ridiculous I must've seemed when I was staring at that copy of Maxim. Ha.

After my English class, I took the bus back home and in the bus, for some very odd reason, I was thinking about when/if I had a wife, what would she be like? I think I've gone through that question several times during my teenagehood, and it was always a topic of interest, because it never had an answer, nor should it have one methinks. I think the biggest conflict is between love and culture. The balance between those two things make it very difficult for me to choose a wife. Whether that'll be a problem in the future or not, it seems to be a problem of immense magnitude now. But I know that through time, problems get smaller and things get easier. I sure hope so anyways.

When I got home, there was this couple racing down the stairs in my building. The girl was a redhead with chestnut eyes and she churped a "Hello" to me, which I didn't respond because I was struck in awe and her boyfriend who had black hair; the kind the Irish have.

The childbirth countdown is really in gear now. My due date is this Monday, but he could come at any time... and he's been letting me know it, too! At least these non-labor contractions are a bit of a refresher course. Time tends to dull some memories of pain.

I have so many people to thank for all their help lately. My sister has been an absolute blessing as she and my awesome hubster have worked so hard getting the house ready for our new arrival. And my folks have been a wonderful support team as well. Then, there's my friend Chris, who has the gift of being able to make me laugh even when I feel really rotten...

The list doesn't stop there, either. An anonymous family at Munchkin #1's therapy center has adopted us this holiday season and has already given us a wonderful, much needed gift of a brand new infant car seat/stroller combo. Plus, there's some special folks here on E2 who have been fantastic over the past several months (you know who you are! {{{hugs}}}). I'm brimming with gratitude!

I finally finished Colin's blanket today. It's hand crocheted from an old family pattern. All the newborns in hubby's family have gotten this traditional wrap for generations. Not much else to do right now except hang in until delivery. But I can't wait! I want to see this little cutie NOW!!!

12:02

So, the Series Of Tricky OO Trivia was asked from y.t. today. Piece of cake, actually... just that I had no idea what shallow copy or late binding was. Well, that was two points out of potential 24... without virtually no studying involved! Praise Be Unto Turbo Pascal 7.0! =)

Now I'm sitting in the UNIX lab and reading Stuff. Going home next... I have tons of stuff to do this weekend, things like "relaxation" or whatever it's called these days (haven't seen such wonders recently)...

I had an idea re: DayMetaNoder last night, I'll code it if I remember...

13:50

(OK, someone's been downvoting daylogs...)

17:49

I had another great coding idea! This time for an XMMS plugin... Hint: it's related to the Web somehow, and someone has probably thought of it earlier...

Time to learn how to make FIFOs and sockets and shit in C...

18:48

Got XEmacs21-GTK. This baby rocks. It's schwiit™...

19:13

In CyberNet tv program, I saw a game called Giga Wing. A vertical scrolling shoot-em-up. They don't make a lot of those these days! =) Yep, the new consoles have their sides... Are there any good 2D scrollers out there for Linux that require a P-III? =)

20:50

So this is how the named pipe thingies work in C. Cool. Just say mkfifo(...); and after that, they act just like normal files... =)

Too bad I need to make a named pipe server in C. Currently, it spews forth crap into the pipe even when there's no one that listens - so, when there's a reader around, it'll get anything from 2 to 2000 lines of stuff out of the pipe. Not What I Intended.

I'm slowly understanding how to do select(..);. The syntax is pretty hairy, but then again, I'm just used to the way it was done in Perl...

I've noticed the ESR's definition of "scratch the itch" programming fits on me. I'm coding something because it helps me to do stuff. =)

22:56

Big D'oh3!

I posted a comment to Slashdot asking where the updated version of Golgotha source code might be, and moments after I found a source snapshot from my download directory, dated 30th April.


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: shallow copy Nazi glib

Updated:

It's 2:27am, I can't sleep, I'm wondering why I'm feeling the way I do and decide I need some venting, *sigh*, what would I ever do without E2...

I have loved 2 people in my life (or shall I say fell in love), one, I know I have lost already as a boyfriend and I'm not sure if we're friends or whatnot. The other is not my boyfriend either anymore, and I know is slowly drifting away as my friend as I node (maybe I'm just paranoid and maybe we're as close as we'll ever be now). I sometimes try to gain some reassurance from him, and yet, I do not get much. I know he is drifting away, perhaps he does too. I also know the reason why he is drifting away and it is inevitable I guess. I always knew I will be dealing with this sometime, so why can't I deal with it??? Maybe I have grown to love him even more as a friend, someone who is always there to understand and to comfort me. Maybe I need him more than I think, and most likely more than he needs me. But it's reality what is going on right now, and I accept reality, it's harsh, but I accept it. So why can't I deal?? WHY?? WHY?? WHY???

The thing I fear most in my life is loneliness. And yet I'm sitting here noding which that sense of emptiness. Am I really lonely? I have my friends, and I know there are some of them ACTUALLY do care. So why do I feel this way?? I rarely felt this way before and now I am feeling it more and more often. Have I grown completely dependent on others?? Where was the independent me I used to know?? I have, unfortunately, become something I hate and am disgusted of.

So here I am: 10 minutes later, crying, sobbing, life was supposed to be better, after I got into university, so why is it not??
If there are other noders out there who can answer my question, pls, msg me, I can't take it much longer...

A Node About Apartments

I had an apartment for a day or two. I was waiting for the owner to sign the lease I'd signed and to drop off the keys, when I found out that the building apparently was a co-op, and the building's board had just put a moratorium on new tenants; I think the owner was trying to sneak me in just before it took effect, which would surely have endeared me to some of my new neighbors.

So I'm back apartment-hunting; a friend gave me a lead, about five weeks ago, on some places near Prospect Park, but, at the time, I was focused on finding a place on the Lower East Side, close to work. There appears to still be vacancies, so I'll try to get in touch with the landlord while I'm here at work.

I went straight home (my Aunt's house in the Bronx) after work on Thursday, had a bowl of cereal, and laid down to take a nap, figuring to wake up after a couple of hours, make a proper meal, then attempt to fix some code I'd brought from the office. Eleven hours later, I awaken, and have to scramble to get back to work on time. A sign of how little sleep I can get during the rest of the week. An apartment will both give me a much-shorter commute, and restore all the free time lost in apartment-hunting.

The last apartment I saw, near Bedford-Stuyvesant, was, in spite of the bad-rep neighborhood, the best I'd seen so far -- essentially two large studio apartments, joined and renovated, separated by a new kitchen. A huge (to me) space, and it gave me the ability to have separate living and home-office quarters, with optional separate entrances (a plus when it comes time for that IRS audit). The kitchen reminded me of my childhood apartment in Riverdale, where you could scoot from the bedrooms in one corner of the place, through the long passageway of the kitchen, and emerge on the outskirts of the livingroom. Big Wheel fun, for sure.

We've been coming into work on Saturdays of late, having missed a few deadlines on this project (in fact, I was hired about two weeks after we'd missed one in September, I hear); I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd come in, though this week, we weren't explicitly asked to come in -- I'd taken it as a given until the end of the year (another deadline, and an important one) that I'd have to spend a few hours each Saturday fixting boogs, at the very least.

It's noon, and I'm the only one here; it's actually quite nice to have an entire floor to yourself -- you can ride your Big Wheel past the cubicles, around the dining area, over the plush carpeting of the VPs. I often come in early on weekdays, when the atmosphere contains much more peace and quiet than in the rest of the day; I leave the Big Wheel at home, though.

If no one else shows up, I can always go do a little extra apartment-hunting...

Monitor Price Snapshot - December 9, 2000

Snapshot of display prices as found at www.pricewatch.com on December 9, 2000, as compared to October 25, 2000 prices. These prices are the lowest published price for each class of display.

18 inch TFT is $1599; previously was $1999
17 inch TFT is $1099; previously was $1239
15 inch TFT is $579; previously was $599
21 inch CRT is $469; previously was $499
20 inch CRT is $415; previously was $415
19 inch CRT is $207; previously was $217
17 inch CRT is $120; previously was $124
15 inch CRT is $91; previously was $91
14 inch CRT is $102; previously was $98

All prices quotes in USD.

Thanks to dg for previous month data.

4:36 PM

I'm going to start putting together a sub-section of my site for advocating the use of dark or black backgrounds for most computer programs. I'm also going to show examples of websites which are unreadable or unusable when I view them with my custom IE settings to force a black background with white text. There's no reason why we have chosen to use a "paper" style of appearance in computer programs, other than the insistance of a WYSIWYG look for printable hardcopy.

The other thing that really irritates me is windows applications that don't behave when I set my "3D Objects" color to black and text color to white. If I do this, I find many programs which don't read my settings to determine the color they will use. I often wind up with black text on a black background because the developer of the software decided to read one of my preferences, but not the other.

Well, I've got about 75 minutes to get to the gym, take a shower and get to work. I really hate it when I have to go into work on the weekend, even if just for a few minutes. It totally wrecks my ability to leave my weekend open. Not that I have much planned for today and tomorrow anyway.

I'm thinking about getting a Sega Dreamcast, but I'm not sure yet. The price isn't bad, but I'm wondering how many games are available for it. I might pick one up on my way home.


10:44 PM

I decided to wait and do a little more research. I didn't see a whole lot of games at Best Buy for the Dreamcast, and I only saw maybe one or two that sounded interesting. I'm going to look around the net and see what's out there and the general reviews. If you have any comments about DC, please /msg me.

I only spent about an hour at work, the job I needed to do only required me to log in and start up a server, so that was all of 2 minutes. For some reason though our NT admin decided to switch us all to active directory this weekend, so I had trouble logging in, and I lost all of my personal customizations to my environment. I guess now is a good time to upgrade to Win2k since I lost all of my settings anyway.

One of the network admins, AS, was there for the hardware upgrade, but his car ran out of gas a few blocks away, so I drove him over to get some gas and then back to his car after a quick stop at Taco Bell.

I picked up some chinese food on my way home. The girls who work there are cute; one noticed that I was growing hair on my chin, she wasn't sure what to call it - a goatee or a beard. I told her I wasn't sure what to call it; it was just a result of not shaving for a few weeks...

Why are asian girls always so friendly to me? I don't know, but I'm certianly not complaining! That must explain why I am so attracted to every asian girl I meet.

Oh well.. I'm going to go look for some info on dreamcast and watch one or both of the movies that I just got from Netflix today: Gattaca and Neon Genesis Evangelion.


1:27 AM

Instead of watching a movie like I said I'd do, I wound up chatting on #everything for a couple of hours. Somehow I got reminded of something I meant to write about earlier this week. It's just plain silly, but it's amusing to tell to my techie friends.

If you have been following my daylogs, you know that I have been trying to get signed up at the local university, FAU. I want to take at least one class per semester to keep my brain on the learning track. I am a real science nut, so I was looking through the science sections in their course offerings, and came across a class for intro to quantum physics. I was disappointed to see that it's a graduate class, but I was shocked to see that it is being taught by one "J Faulkner".

That's my name.

What if he's me? What if I get really good at physics in the future, figure out time travel, then travel back in time and decide to park myself here in these times because maybe stuff really starts to suck in the future. I kind of like it around here, I could see myself deciding to live here after I've traveled the world and decided to settle down. If I meet this "J Faulkner" to confirm he's me or not, wouldn't that cause a paradox?

Suppose he is me, and I meet him. I find out for sure that he's me, and now that affects my future since I know my own outcome. That has to have consequences for the decisions I make.

This could create a nice paradox that could implode the entire universe.

So don't piss me off, or I'll do it! I'll blow up the universe!

We now return to our regularly scheduled sanity.

Oh well.. I'm going to try to watch that movie again.

what does it mean when you all of the sudden find tears dripping off your cheek, or you look down and find that there's a wet spot on the pillow where the tears you've been shedding without knowing it have collected. we were looking into eachother's eyes and they came, BOY did they come. usually at least one of stayed strong for the benefit of the other, so that neither one of us breaks down too badly, but this time it was a simultanious breakdown.

we had the best weekend. she drove an hour up from Boulder, and finally arrived about 6 on friday night. We were hoping to go climbing at the local rock gym, but an unfortunate incident (she was sparring in American Freestyle Tae Kwon Do and kicked someone a little too hard and screwed up her foot a good deal) forced us to stay in and watch Happy Gilmore, actually a very funny movie when you havn't seen it for a while. So we got a sixpack of Cerveza Sol, a few bottles of pepsi and a pizza from Papa John's with extra garlic sauce and had ourselves a night. It was very high qulaity. we were up till 4 in the morning. It was great.

but of course, even though neither of us wanted to admit that it would come, that she would have to leave at some point. she just left a few minutes ago and holy shit, i always forget how much it hurts when either one of us have to leave. i always forget that feeling of a piece of your heart being torn away from you. my favorite quote of all time is in a song called If Only by Goldfinger which pretty much sums it all up;

But for now I'll have to
wait another week
to see your face and all I want to say is
that I really miss you

For the first time, I travelled up to Mamaroneck, New York to see Ruthie Henshall in the Emelin Theatre. Given at the time the village is a ghost town, a few restaurants is open so the evening is not that boring after all.

I went dining in the Café Mozart in a few blocks away from the theatre. The Zagats guide says the place has snail-like service, but the service for me was quick. I didn't even have enough time (or space) to read my copy of the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

I like getting away from the rest of New York City for a change. I should drop by Mamaroneck again.

Today was a bad day.

...at least, I think it was

Oh sure, the day started off alright. I got up around two P.M. after going to bed late.

I didn't mean to go to bed late. I got home in plenty of time to go to sleep before midnight, but I just couldn't sleep. I guess it was the thrill of forging a new and intimate relationship with someone other than my present girlfriend that made me stay up.

Mediocre Orgasms

I slothed around the house for awhile and then decided to get to working on studing my Japanese and preparing for a paper which is due next week. Next week also happens to be finals week. I cannot wait until it is over, much for the same reason I cannot wait until the holiday season is over.

Why? Because to me it seems as though there is so much prepratory work into building up to something which we feel is going to be great, better than any previous holiday or test we have taken before: and all it pans out to be is one mediocre orgasm. Grandma bitches about how her kidneys hurt while spooning out cranberries, and I get a B on my final.

The Worst Part of the Day

The worst part of the day comes now. I take a shower and get all shiny to go pickup my girlfriend so I can do her Physics homework for her. The Minnesotan weather sucks outside, and at five P.M. on a Saturday traffic is like rush-hour because people cannot remember how to drive in the snow.

I am running late now, so I call her. She informs me not to park at her apartment because we are going out to a library to meet some of her friends to study. I am so angry about the traffic, I don't realize exactly how stupid this idea is.

I pick her up and get lost on my way to finding the library. I talk to her friend that barely speaks English and she somehow is able to steer me towards where I need to be. An hour is wasted.

We get to the library and stand outside in the bitter cold until her friend comes to the locked door to open it for us. We go into the library and sit down, me being the only one of four others who does not speak Korean. My girlfriend then proceeds to show me the entire scope of the work she wants me to do for her. Two assignments and a lab report. About six man-hours of work.

I grumble a bit and set to work. After awhile I ask her when we are going to eat, as I haven't eaten all day. She tells me that that wasn't part of the plan. I say, "WHAT?" I guess everybody had eaten except for me, and since I had gotten up at two that day, I hadn't bothered to feed myself.

So here I am, hungry with about six hours of work in front of me that isn't mine amongst a crowd of people that don't speak my language. Exactly how did I get into this situation?

To spare you (and myself) the details, I say that I have to leave to eat. Sudenly everyone wants to come along. They suggest a bunch of greasy-ass places I couldn't imagine myself eating as the first thing I shove into my mouth that day...so I pick an Italian joint.

My girlfriend is obviously saying how bad she feels to her other friend in Korean (I know enough Korean now to know that is what she was saying), and she breaks down and crys in the car. I let her know exactly why I felt the way I do, the traffic, the change of plans, the friends, the not eating, the poor planning, all the work: and she tells me that she doesn't even want to be by me because she feels so bad.

What a wimp. Ah well, we eat and I pay for everybody. That gets everybody in a good mood and I go home for the evening with her homework in my car. I am just about to get started on it now. What a wuss I am.

After 20 years, 4 months, and 5 days, I am no longer of the "only child society." I, though, did not find out about this until a few days later, midway through my finals. My father had called earlier, to tell me that his wife was most likely going to give birth on Friday the 8th or Saturday the 9th, but never actually called to tell me that it had, in fact, happened. My little brother weighed in at 8 pounds, 9 ounces at birth. Fairly large, but not so impressive to my father, who saw my newborn self tipping the scales at 10 lbs., 4 oz.

I'm writing this on December 26, 2000, because I needed time to collect my thoughts. Most of my friends ask me questions like, "How do you feel about this?" or "Are you okay with this?" and most of my responses have been similar to "Feel about it? Okay, I guess," or "Yeah, I'm okay with it," when I truly did not feel much about this. It's hard for me to comprehend the fact that I've got a sibling. I can no longer make the claim, "I'm an only child-- yes, I'm a spoiled brat." Now I can only claim that I'm a spoiled brat without reason.

Now having a baby around the house makes life a little interesting. Neither my father nor his wife have had time to do Christmas shopping, but I did score three sweaters. The baby cries every two hours, like clockwork, to get food. I would think it's rather gratifying to be a baby. As soon as he lets out a cry, either my father or his mother or I come running to see if he's okay. So much attention with so little effort.

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