one of these days i am determined to change
this habit of only noding in the daylogs
a few days after the day actually occurs. but not now.
a day that should be a happy one. i get to not only watch my dad get married, but be part of the wedding. i've seen how happy she's made him, and it's his time now. i should be ecstatic for him.
but i'm not.
you see, there is still a fact that i, somehow, someway, haven't managed to tell my parents yet. yes, it's that same fact that i wrote an entire node about as if it were a big deal (and it is). somehow, since they haven't been informed, they have managed to find a way to treat me as if i'm not a different person yet. it must be due to the extraordinary power of denial, as anyone who can see, can see how much i've changed.
but because they haven't been told yet, i am forced, for my father, to assume a role in the wedding that fits me not, to wear clothing that does not seem to be appropriate formal wear, but a costume, clothing that makes me feel like i'm pretending to be someone else.
i try to avoid the mirror, to avoid seeing that parody of myself that i have to put up with for the day, but that becomes impossible, and i cringe.
my dad looks incredible in his tux, very distinctive, even with a long, grey pony tail in his hair. my sister, and my new step-sister, are gorgeous in their emerald-green bridesmaid dresses, so simple, yet so elegant with the hair and the gloves that match flawlessly, and i am jealous.
the wedding goes well, yet for some reason, seems entirely unemotional. there seem so few tears, and it barely touches the heart. i am left wondering why, what it was lacking. (and it wasn't that damn cell phone that went off in the middle)
the best moment of the night ends up being the toasts given. the bride's daughter goes first, managing to speak only through the beginnings of tears, about how wonderful my dad is, and how happy he's made his new wife. i then speak, and while i never took much time to prepare, it wasn't necessary because i knew exactly what to say.
you see, my dad has sacrificied for my sister and i from the beginning. taking a job just to support his new kids, a job he didn't like. he stayed there, eventually working overnights, and even overtime, to make sure we had what we needed and wanted, even with his own life a blur of pain. he made sure we went to college, that we had a good start to our own lives. and now, my sister and i are on our own. this is now his time, his turn to really live his life for himself, instead of worrying about us all the time.
i never even got to lift up the glass to toast him, as he gave me a big hug right afterwards. he doesn't have too much of a problem hugging (though usually they're a little weak), but this was unexpected, enough to know that i really affected him. i was happy. the day was worth it.
we eventually left the reception, the first out of the wedding party, to make the four hour drive home. we wanted our own bed to sleep in, the freedom to sleep in and be lazy after the chaos of the past two days. and i needed some time to really become me again, after being that other person again.
at least i know that costume i wore, that strange oddity of clothing that feels and looks most unnatural on me, will never be something i wear ever again. and that my dad is happy. and that maybe he understands how much i appreciate him.