I have not seen her for months now. I don't want to. She lives with one of my best friends and I haven't seen him for just as long - nor for that matter any of our mutual friends. I guess I don't want to hear about her either.

I wanted us to stay friends once, during that time when it felt like my world was being ripped out from under me and I was flailing around desperately searching for something, anything to hold on to. I'm sure we could be really good friends - we made each other laugh. Now though, It all seems like too much effort. It was nice while it lasted but now its gone and I don't want to have to work at replacing it with something else.

I don't want to find myself writing a node like I haven't seen her in a month. She is still beautiful., I don't want to spend time trying to stomp the life out of false hope and several years down the track I don't want to still be fighting pangs of regret. Id rather just let it all go, take my newfound absence of faith and move on. I've been thinking about leaving this city, just uprooting and going somewhere else, somewhere new - just like I did last time.

I expect it is only a matter of time before I run into her on the street, or on the train or in a club somewhere. This city is only so big. Sometimes I think when that happens I will just ignore her or brush her off - not as an attempt to hurt her but just because I cant be bothered anymore ( I doubt that it would hurt her anyway )

I know I wont do that though - we will have a short awkward but polite conversation. We will smile with fake warmth. She will ask me how I am and I will say "fine" because I don't want her looking at me with sympathy in her beautiful eyes.

I don't want to see her.

Its easier to stay numb this way.

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