It's like an addiction that I can't break for the life of me.
Every time I see you, I get this little chill, like there's something my body
knows that I don't whenever you come around me. Even if I don't particularly feel
like feeling the way you make me feel, I just can't help it- it boggles my mind
and drives me crazy, distracts me from self-control.
I say things I wouldn't. Do things I shouldn't. Want things I couldn't.
And that's just when you're nearby.
When you're gone, it's a totally different kind of hell. Worse than being around
you, it's the not being around that really kick-starts the insanity, the
yearning and fire in my blood. I want you, need you, all the time when
you're not around. Sometimes it's impossible to ignore, sometimes it makes me
wanna cry. Sometimes it keeps me awake at night, sometimes it makes me want to
There was this one time, recently, that I woke up and I could feel your skin next
to mine. I could feel the warmth of your body, your arms, your legs, your breasts,
I would swear I was with you... if anyone had told me that you weren't there,
I would have called them a liar- it was so real that even my body was fooled for
a moment. It wasn't a dream. It was like.... the shakes or withdrawal- my
body missed you so much that it actually created the sensation within my mind
which made it think you were there- and when the realization that you weren't
there struck, my body rallied and cried out against reality. Hanging on to a habit
that I'm trying to break... by a thread of memories.
I share things to empty air, feel things in an empty room,
say things to hollow walls- only my voice coming back to me... or silence.
I twist and thrash in bed, in angst because you aren't there. It's not your fault,
that's just the way it is. Is it the fault of the drug or the drug addict? Neither.
It just is. Every moment that I find I need you, I have to tell myself that I
can't have you. It's a bad, bad habit to kick. The fire in my veins that makes it hot burns with longing, but they say that
time cools all embers. I wish they had a pill to take that would get rid of these
longings... to trade one addiction for another.
But this one habit, you, is the best there ever
was. A person can't find a better drug than that on purpose... it has to be discovered
on accident. An accidental addict, that's what I am. Certainly.
Because if I knew that I was going to end up feeling like this, I never would've
partaken. I wouldn't put myself through this kind of misery on purpose. Then I'd
really have to be crazy.
Then again... I knew what I was getting myself into in the first place. So I have
no one to blame but myself. And I have nothing to hold onto but the anticipation
of the next detox session... shouldn't be long now. Just a few
hours more and I'll be writhing on
the floor.... even the withdrawals are kinda fun when I think about it. Hell,
sometimes they're more entertaining than the real thing- more intense.
What a rush. Wish you were here.