Yesterday was the first day that I honostly liked myself in say two years.
Let me break it down for you. I am exactly where I want to be. And no one put me here but me. And all of my loose ends are tied up down south. Mom, who violently degraded me for five hours then finally reliquished her hold on me the morning I left. And she said she loves me and misses me. I finally asked for that unconditional love I'd been so hungry for while trying to live up to superhero status. Damn near the hardest thing I've ever asked for, but it finally worked. I am but human, and she of all people should know that. But I still had to ask.
Kash cried, saying she had no preparation for my leaving. I gave her my peridot ring, the one that taps into my cat qualities, but it belonged with her. She is a leo after all. And I kissed her as she sat in my front seat demanding I not go. I told her it was my turn to make room for her up here.....and we made plans to make the treck to Burning Man. I love you. No woman will ever hold my heart but you. This ring's never coming off.
Speaking of leos....my mother-in-law got upset with me on the phone the other day. "What's all this been, then?" I can't control the weather, Deb, and goddess knows it's always changing. I tell you what I know. And I kept my promise, tell Blinky Eyes, I'm here. But.....I'm here for ME! I smoothed things over best I could. Like I said, I'm only human.
My brother and I pulled together right as I was leaving. I'll never run again, but if I had to, I know I have warm brotherly arms to support me. But I won't need it. I have myself, and I'm liking her more and more. A toast, to "Columbo Spiccoli"! Get that girl, goddamnit!
Thor, Onya, and Ry.........Ry. I'll get to him in a minute. Thank you for stroking my hair as I got the strongest symbol of me stamped on my arm. It itches and burns...but the pain has so released me. Really. You have clean beds made up in my heart. Come visit and stay with me.
Ry....I mean Griffin. I don't know what the future holds. But with the High Priestess and The Moon, I know you aren't telling me something...but I do like what you told me, wrote me:
Unconventional that you are,
Such a lovely dark star,
If you hung yourself high in the heavens above,
None would see you burning in blackened love.
Living life for living,
There can be no other way,
Not this day, not this day!
While others shake their heads,
And waddle away to cold beds,
You open your eyes to the night,
To the hollow darkness of an empty gullet,
And a sharpened kitchen knife.
Because it's your life,
You feed on the anxiety,
Because it moves you along,
Keeping you young and strong.
Dirty and invisible
Singular and indivisable
Always there alone
Wherever you are.....
Is your home.
- Ryan Gavin Griffin
My twin......thank you.
I hate ultimatims myself, but I realized I can't stand alone or find some semblance of self without following the beat of my own drum. See, I don't even have a drummer other than myself. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to go back on what I said a few weeks ago. I just know I can't follow other people's game plans. This isn't a game or an experiment to me. I play. I play well. And I play for keeps. That’s where the game part ends.
I've spent the last coupla weeks ready to be devoured and consumed by anguish. The letting go. But why should I feel so bereft? If I decide this is not what I want, which I have, then I can make the peace and ease myself away. And I stand shaking, almost wanting to fall back on the security of old patterns, and ask for my last request. Truth, I can't do it this way. Truth, I want more for everyone than this. Truth, things have greatly changed, but I'm willing to smile no matter the outcome. Truth, dreams get killed on an everyday basis, but that makes room for new ones. So mote it be, little one. I ain’t cho mama.
Where do we go from here? I’ve answered that question enough, in my own words.One last card to lay out, and it has to be laid.
I’m not needy, I hold my own.
I’m no longer eclipsed.
I don’t want any trouble.
I just want to be.
And I will just be.
And if my light is too much, then you might want to close the door, ‘cause I’m not turning it off.