Heheheheheheeeheheheheh! that spells glee!
Yesterday very much spills into today, so I'll start there. I realized something over the last few hours, people view me as Tupperware. Lemme explain.
I decide to stop by Jen and Griffin's on the way home yesterday, mostly because I had this stern phonecall from Griff. I come spinning into the driveway and pop out of the car. I dash towards the house when I hear, "Long time no see". There he is, sitting there calmly in a chair, with his feet propped up on his car, smoking a handrolled Bali Hash. He's eyeing me with those huge green eyes and he lurches up grabbing me in a hug that knocked the wind out of me. I set his new tubes of paint on the car and try to ease back from him.
As usual, we have a bone to pick with each other. He had run into the Rose Lady at The Castle and she had given him a very convoluted story about how it was impossible for me to have gone after Angela in Ft. Lauderdale. She probably told him what he wanted to hear, you don't have to be a dummy to figure out Sam wants him BAD, and I don't have the heart to tell her he's no great shakes.
Jen had told me that he had indeed slept with Nadia, not that it's any of my business, but he had volunteered that he had not. So we both thought the other was lying. He thought I had driven to Baltimore, which the mention of that city drives him to distraction.
Can we say jealous? I was right. He dragged me in the house and pulled me to the back of the house where his room is. He sat me on his bed and told me we had to talk. He squatted down and grabbed my face and proceeded to tell me he could do nothing about all the chains I have wrapped around my neck, but that he had to be honost, he was patiently waiting for me to give up my charade so we could take things to the next level. I couldn't believe it! It had not even occured to me that he wanted something like that from me! He continues rambling on about relationships as I'm getting more and more incredulous. I don't hear half of what he's saying, but I do catch the " I want you to move to Long Island with me. I know we're going to know each other for the rest of our lives, I know we'll be together later, I know it." What?!? Where the hell did this come from? He tells me he loves me, that he doesn't tell hardly anyone that, that Nadia won't touch him with a ten-foot pole because of his and my....our what? Friendship?
You can't have me now, but you want to put me up on a shelf for later use?(You and everyone else) You expect me to feel the same way? I don't even know what your way is. I've been tied up in my own relationship, you've watched me go through all of this, I keep my Placebo tape at your house for a reason, you have a perfectly good 19 year old on stand by. What is your deal?
I leave to make some phonecalls and to pull my head together. He wants me to come play cards with everyone and I bring my brother. Black Jack and I win. Jen's going to Vegas this weekend] so we have to practice. Warning, I've had two damn good teachers. I get dragged back in the room again. He wants me to lie down. I can't. I'm drunk and I can't breathe. He tries to kiss me. I run out of there to rush home.
I have one last phonecall to make....and I have to make it, pride aside. To one more person who actually has put me on the shelf for what, say the next 15 years? Will I be ripe then, is that what it is?
So I get it now. Everyone's afraid of the now with me, but they're looking forward to the future. They want to put some mark or tie on me, keep me near their side, so that when they need me, I'm their's. When they're ready, when they want me.
Nothing lasts forever. Love can, but not being in love. Huge difference.....but I don't know how to get it through their heads that even I don't last forever. You push me down or away enough times, and I do go away. *Sigh*. All these plans, I wish they's let me in on them, because apparently they affect me greatly.
Next level? Please. I don't even know what level or floor this is, much less what the next one is.