So I'm lying in bed the other night, thinking about young Catholic schoolgirls, when this really funny idea for an advert pops into my head. Here it is:

Interior: A supermarket. A man walks in, scans the magazines and chocolates, and heads for what we think is the tinned foods section. Then, he stops. He looks carefully into the near distance, and spies the last packet of ALWAYS ULTRA SANITARY PADS on the shelf. He looks around to see if anyone is watching him, sees that no one is looking, and makes a dash for the shelf.

About halfway there, this woman in the next aisle sees him going for the last packet, and throws her month old baby at his feet to try to trip him up. But he was expecting something like this, and hops neatly over the child, and continues running. Next, another woman jumps in his way, trying to tackle him to the ground. But he pulls out this Ninja sword, and slices her in half, and carries on running.

Then there are all these woman, just throwing themselves in his way, trying to stop him, or get to the shelf first. But he just carries on running; hacking and slashing and stabbing for all he's worth. And eventually, he's there, and he triumphantly holds the packet aloft. He's smiling and grinning for all he's worth, feeling pretty happy with himself.

But just then, the manager of the shop, probably an oriental man, runs towards him and starts babbling and screaming at him in that heathen lingo they speak. And the subtitles are saying something like:


So the guy looks at the camera, shrugs and smiles impishly, and we fade to black. There’s some incidental music, something to illustrate the passing of a short amount of time, and the scene reopens on the supermarket. But this time the floor is spotless, the manager is grinning from ear to ear, and the man is seen holding up a bunch of ALWAYS ULTRA SANITARY PADS, covered in blood, that he obviously used to clean up all the mess.

The manager puts his arm around the man, smiles toothily at the camera, and the subtitles say something like:


The screen fades to white, there appears a picture of the bunch of bloodied ALWAYS ULTRA SANITARY PADS, and below the that, in some kind of Angelic writing, appears the words:

"Always Ultra. For even the heaviest flow."

And that’s it. We could probably get some local interest in by having local women chopped up. And for overseas viewing, we could have him eat the baby. They'll allow anything on European television.