The most nefarious form of bicycle theft

The phrase bicycle thief conjures up a lot of stereotypes. Filthy junkies bartering for a fix, punk kids after some quick cash, or just the anarchical inspiration of a bored thug playing itself out on your private property. At the worst you might imagine a shady character running around at night with a giant pair of bolt cutters. Low-risk crime tends to foster petty criminals, right? Not so fast Watson.

The abundance of bikes in the $400-$1000 range means that bike theft can sustain quite a healthy lifestyle for an enterprising criminal. Now a properly employed U-lock is pretty tough to break. And if you're really worried, some brands will insure your bike in the case of a broken lock. To make a career out of stealing bikes, however, breaking U-locks is not at all necessary. The easiest way to steal a bike is by picking the right bike. Specifically, a bike that is attached to loose sign post.

One might assume erroneously that these signs are hard to come by, but unfortunately many street signs are designed to be interchangeable and there is an easily accessible bolt to free the post from its concrete-embedded sleeve. So for heaven's sake, lock your bike up to bike racks or at least make sure your anchor is indeed immobile before walking away.

The coolest form of bicycle theft

I wouldn't want to leave this writeup simply by giving people an easy way to steal bikes, especially by such a despicable circumvention. If you're going to become the lowest of all life forms, please instead try the following method (also film it and send me a copy):

  1. Steal a tank of liquid nitrogen
  2. Drip it on a U-lock until it is well frozen throughout
  3. Hit it with a sledgehammer really hard