I hate american cheese.

The whole concept is, quite frankly, disturbing to me. That the most powerful nation on earth should represented by this poor excuse for a dairy product is scary. Where's our pride? Where's the American spirit? If you want to know why the rest of the world doesn't quake in their boots at the mere mention of the US of A, it's because they've tried our cheese.

Who decided which cheese gets to bear the name American Cheese, anyway? Was there a vote? If there was, I demand a recount. Was Colby even on the ballot? What about Monterey Jack. And what's the deal with Swiss Cheese? Why the hell do the Swiss have such a great cheese named after them? Did you know that the majority of Swiss cheese in the world is produced in the United States? Let them make their own damn cheese!

Other countries don't have cheeses named after them. There's no French cheese, or Italian cheese, or Canadian cheese, unless you count Jim Carrey. So who's the guy who woke up one morning and said, "Hey, America needs a cheese. I'm gonna make that cheese for my country, and I'm gonna do it using as few natural products as possible." I'm don't know for sure who this person was, but I'm betting his last name was Kraft. I'd also be willing to bet he worshipped Satan. Do we really want a Satan worshiper's cheese representing this great nation?

I suppose in a way it's fitting that the cheese most associated with the US is American Cheese. What better metaphor for the US than the most unnatural, preprocessed food product since the Twinkie. Well I for one am sick of it. I'm calling for a worldwide boycott of American Cheese. I won't rest until American Cheese has been wiped from the plates and bagged lunches of school children and unsuspecting office workers everywhere.

Viva la Colby!

(For the record, I've had the real stuff. No, it did not change my mind. Mark my words, American cheese is slowly but surely destroying this great nation.)