San Francisco is a nice place to live, has some great restaurants, a cosmopolitan lifestyle, and is in easy driving distance of Silicon Valley and wine country. What is less well known is that San Francisco is a temporal singularity in the space-time continuum. This has been obvious to anyone who has been watching the Star Trek series and its spinoffs and movies.

The theory has never been demonstrated in the laboratory, you understand, but empirical evidence abounds. In particular, whenever you travel back in time, wherever you are in the universe, there is a high degree of probability that you will end up in San Francisco. This probability increases exponentially if the episode you are in is a two-parter. To wit:

There are probably others. Of course in that last one Kirk and his pals just go to Earth and then choose to land in San Francisco, but it is significant that they took a whale from there. Maybe they needed a whale from San Francisco.

In fact, the most compelling explanation for the temporal singularity hypothesis is that the whales around San Francisco are in charge of maintaining some kind of giant underwater temporal transmitter array, possibly using the Golden Gate Bridge as an antenna. The alien ship that shows up in the movie is most likely from the Temporal Transmitter Home Office, and has finally made the trip out to find out why the slackers running Earth station have let the transmitter fall into disrepair. In light of this, we can make sense of the final whale-to-alien conversation in the last scenes of Star Trek IV (alien/whale speech is transliterated):

Alien ship: wrruuhhmp. weeeehee. Woooowooo. ("Who's the asshole that turned off the array? Where is everybody?")

Whale: ooowwooooh. mrooooeeee. ("Transmission sergeant Gracie sir. Sorry, but apparently we became extinct. I had to hitch a ride into the future just to get here.")

Alien ship: ooohhheeemmm wooorrooeeek. ("OK, I want that array up and running inside of three days. Couldn't you have trained the humans to take care of it?")

Whale: eewwwrrrrk. mmmmmbmboo eeek. ("I'm afraid they're a bit thick, sir.")

The huge amounts of energy needed to run the array and the resultant disruptions in the fabric of space-time could also be affecting the weather, explaining why it can be overcast and drizzly in San Francisco while the rest of the Bay Area and Marin county is 15 degrees warmer and bathed in sunlight all the time.

Note: I'm not a diehard trekkie, just a fan of STTNG (though I've seen all the above episodes), so be gentle when /msging me with additions and corrections. If you haven't seen the eps, or especially the abysmal ending of IV, then this is all going to be profoundly unfunny...