thoughts of you.

you mingle together with my thoughts and it somehow keeps me grounded, somehow keeps me attached to myself even when I'm away and not in my own world. it somehow makes me know I'm still here, crying on the bedroom floor. somehow makes me aware I am alive and not simply passing the time, waiting to die. I long for sleep, to crawl into the warmth of my blankets, to hold myself tightly and think maybe it's not me, but rather you. and it comforts me, even while knowing you are probably not thinking of me then. that you once perhaps thought you were, but now I think it's faded away, and I break my heart every day as I try to say something to you and it never escapes.

it's a curse I've set upon myself, a curse I wouldn't remove if I could no longer stand, and nothing was holding me up and I dived into the world in which I know I don't belong. the world I know isn't for me, and it kills parts of me daily, sucking away my life. but in that world I find a greater life and it pulls me in, and it's enough to know that only for a brief moment I might touch you, however brief the moment might become. and even when you smile, just a little smile, and I can hope to imagine you smiling there inside your room, all alone and yet not ever alone. for just a moment, maybe you'd know that I care about you and it would be enough to cause your beautiful self to brighten out of your own shadows.

thoughts of you, every day, behind the tears ready to fall from my tired eyes, the scream ready to escape my broken lips. a silly facade has enveloped me, and I've allowed it, with hesitance, yes, but without it I'm not sure it would be so important. your words seep through me, repeatedly read through my mind, and I can only hope that for a moment they were true. and that maybe you still have thoughts of me, somewhere.