No moon, no people. Black starless sky all around sinking into fog sinking into wet, shiny streets on which my rubber-soled feet make no sound, silent invisible me, sliding past the city again. Down the hill and down the tunnels to the station. MORDEN via BANK 4 min. Sitting down next to a couple of Japanese kids, staring up at the empty ad spaces on the wall, rough squares of torn paper showing through many layers of removed ads. Thinking about Jorge Rodriguez de Gerada, the 'citizen artist' in New York who made an installation showing a child's face, painted in rust on an ad billboard, as if the face had been there and had been smothered by years and years of images perpetually burying it, branding it. Here I stare at the empty space, and imagine with what I would fill it. But I can't think of anything meaningful, only funny stuff...

The train arrives: wedge self and backpack into seat, start reading Invisible Cities again, disappear into fabulous realms of magical places. Then someone claps both hands together loudly, almost in my ear -
"Oi!" shouts he. "I know you're not supposed to talk on the train, BUT!"
and he pulls a bow, and introduces himself. He's a street artist. He announces that he's going to give us a poem, and does, at full volume over the rumble of the train. The shouting is somehow uncomfortable in the cramped space. A few weak grins appear in the crowded carriage (except for one girl at the end, who is smiling rapturously) while the face of the poet contorts with the effort of making himself heard, twisted stretched sinews bunching round his jaw. The poem is perfectly timed to last the two and a half minutes between this and the next station. It's about travelling by tube. It's not totally awful, but it's not good either. The train stops, some of the captive audience escape. The poet exhorts them not to, and explains that this is his job, this is what he does, entertains the people of London. The people of London smile weakly again as he whips out a suitcase, opens it on brightly coloured balls and proceeds to juggle. It's a good feat of balance, with the train moving. It gets a little applause. Then the hat goes round.
"Pay me what I'm worth," he yells. I dig in my pocket and find 500 yen, an Australian 50 cent piece and 7p. He gets the 7p. Everyone else in the row coughs up politely, and off he gets, to find another train.

Back home round the tea table the story comes out and I realise it reminds me of school concerts, trapped in a hard chair forced to listen politely to alarmingly tuneless clarinet solos and stumbling recitals, making stickman animations flipbook style on the corners of my hymnbook to ease the twitchy fidgety boredom. I love the concept of street art, I applaud the intention: but the reality of the train poet was uncomfortable and boring. I can't work out if it was because the poem was bad, or unsuited to the small space, or just because we were captive, and had not chosen to listen. Does it have to be good, to be art? Or is the intention, of random chaotic intervention, enough in itself?

Another night of shite sleep. I feel so tired. I am feeling a little ill but can't be bothered making myself some Lemsip for the pain, well, discomfort really. I have to sit here and try learn the wonders of Windows Programming. Oh joy. I can't be bothered. Roll on Christmas. Holidays are nearly here. A whole week of bed, possibly 2 if it gets authorized.

I'm bored.
I'm tired.

...And I want to go to bed.
I had a little drink about an hour ago,
And it's gone right to to my head.

What am I saying. I hope I'm not scaring too many people. I do that sometimes.

Anyway, lunchtime

Well, I'm back from lunch. It's 4pm and I'm not doing anything. Just been reading a couple of nodes and realised that I haven't done any proper factual noding for ages. I have had a couple so far.

Warning: Blatant nodevertising ahead!!

If you look at some of my other nodes:
sleep deprivation
The Constitution of the Russian Federation

What is the matter with me? Lethargy, thats what.
I need to get my finger out!


LightWave 6.5 has manged to rekindle my love for raytracing. I modeled like an animal last night, and even came up with something! This is something remarkable.
It was a good choice to divide my Big LightWave Project™ in two parts, since there was no way I was going to finish the whole thing before Christmas. With no strict deadline for the non-xmas-part, I have a chance to make it into something breathtaking. Providing I don't lose interest in the project after a month or two.

Oh, right.. there was also the party on Friday. Well, it wasn't that much of a party. Only 7 people showed up at Jope's house, and we spent the evening with normal geek activities, including Dreamcast, beer and good old herbal remedies. I had fun, but then again I'm not a very demanding person when it comes to spending time with other people. :) It was great to meet face to face a pal I had met in IRC many many years ago. From our private ~25 person channel, I have now met all but two people. Yes, the other one is you norev!

Only a few days ago I really realiknew it for a long while, but with no winter weathers it seemed so distant. Now that my family has the preparations going strong, the holidays seem like just a few days away - which they are.
Sorry, did I say holidays?
*bzzzt* Try again, dumbass!
No vacation for break, I'm afraid. I'm forced to be a slave for the days between Xmas and new year's eve, and there are no days off coming in the foreseeable future either. But that doesn't really bother me, since there is always the option of showing up at the office and just slacking off for the entire day. Still, I'd more enjoy doing my slacking at home.
And don't even mention a Christmas bonus..

Getting no holiday hasn't stopped me for spending money like a good consumer. Since my dad has been drooling over Leatherman tools for a while, I went out and bought him a Leatherman® Wave™. As long as nobody else got the same idea, the old man should be very pleased. Since my little sister is getting so much presents from others, the word is I don't have to get her anything. Since I'm an ugly geek with no significant other, plus I've already gotten a nice gift for my closest IRL friend, I don't have a huge list of people to buy presents for. With my miniscule budget, the only person left is my mother. I'll probably join forces with dad to get something special for her, but it's hard to come up with something for someone who has everything and keeps buying more stuff each day. Yes, my mom is something of a shopping addict, although she usually manages to keep it within a reasonable scale. I'm still happy that we don't have any credit cards in the house...

Time for Break's Boring Weather Watch™.
Surprisingly, some minor elements of winter actually have appeared. The temperature is around +0°C, and tiny bits of wet snow have fallen from the skies. But this is only temporary. From the next weekend onwards it's rain and warmth again.
Forces of nature.. I hate you.

To be continued.

Alright! For those of you who have read my Dream Log, my analysis is this:

First of all, I just want to mention again that my Love had been wanting and planning to go to Japan for one whole year to get valuable work experience in the field of international relations for some time now. Initially, I was completely against the idea because it would mean that we would not be spending our lives together right after she graduated. But as I had seen more footage and learned more about Japan, and specifically, Tokyo, I personally developed interest to go myself. In light of this, I then became fully supportive of her going to Japan. Also, along with the fact that it was still a great opportunity for her to develop her career. But I also knew that my inadequacies were getting in the way. At one point in the past months while discussing the possibilities of what she was to do, the thought of her leaving made me cry. And I believe that these were the same tears that were coming from my eyes in the dream. Realizing that we would not be together overwhelmed me both in real life and in the dream.

As for the part of playing Madonna, well, let's just say I was merely a Temporary Woman. Actually, I still felt the effects of the two Mike's Hard Lemonade and one shooter I had on Saturday night. That probably contributed to my deranged dream.

And perhaps the fact that my libido has been running high as well may have contributed to certain feelings like feeling good to have breasts in the dream. Odd? Most definitely. But the sense of having actual boobs make me shudder. It was a good thing it was through being Madonna.

10:23am EST
As I sit here at work, I still feel the effects of the alcohol from two days ago. My system seems to be slow in digesting alcohol. I wonder how much of the green glowing stuff is in me. And yes, I've seen it before. First year university was not a picnic.

12:04pm EST
I feel like my brain is exhausted from all the sensory stimulation from playing my racing games on my Playstation 2 and from the lights and music in the night club this past weekend. It's like a walking hangover. My thoughts don't seem to make enough sense in context.

Oh god oh god oh god, what a weekend.

In the 6th grade on my first day. We were all huddled into a room where we knew no one. I glanced to my right and saw a face, a familiar one. Although I knew for a fact that I did not know him, he felt the same, as if we did know each other. This person's name was Marcus Vandrovec.

Six years later, my cowboy buds and I are playin Cowboy Baseball. A form of baseball played with no gloves or protective gear. It was Randy, Ronny, Taz, Marcus, Paul, Allison, and I. It was actually the first time I'd ever met Allison though. She was nice we got along very well.

What do these two people Allison and Marcus have to do with each other? Well, they are my best friends tried and true. What makes them special and worth mention today? They both graduated Texas A&M this weekend, and I was there.

The ceremony was long and boring but while we waited for our guys to walk, I was (thanks to my laptop) able to get alot of work done that day.

So to Allison and Marcus congradulations my friends may you go on to have successful careers in the fields you have chosen.

I'm a contractor; the company where I'm working has had a bad quarter and they want to save some money without laying anyone off, and they are asking contractors to stay home the week between Christmas and New Years.

My group will find out today after lunch whether we will have to take this time off.

While on one hand it will be nice to be home, on the other it is a very palpable hit on our budget.

This is not the first time a company has passed its difficulty onto me, and I am not able to pass this problem on to anyone else; I still have to pay my bills on time, buy groceries, pay rent, etc.

So I've decided that if they make us stay home, I will be looking for a new job that week.

In the past when a company has stuck it to me (and never personally, of course, it's a general thing), what I've always regretted was that I didn't react sooner. I could be making a mistake, but this time I'm looking for something better immediately.

Friendships are slowly forming, amorphous as of yet, congealing out of the nodegel like hesitant gellyfish.

I am impatient, I want to press on, to say "it's ok, love me despite, love me because you've not met me, I won't hurt you, I'll love back, I promise".

Instead I just say "take care". I am prudent. I am careful not to scare off, not to startle, not to overwhelm with my usual ferocious affection. But it costs me, and inside I am in pain. The breaks I am applying are burning in my head, acrid and hot.

Sometimes it's easier when the temptation to just take them in your arms and love them isn't there.

18th December 7:39pm GMT

Another day of complete boredem spent at school only god knows why i put up with it (for some reason a voice in my heads says its for your own good.)Well to be honest i have done no work whatsoever i school mainly because in a couple of days the school breaks up for school yay!

Over the past few days its starting to feel like it is winter time (for all the people that are thinking what this guy is talking about, i live in England.)Now over the past few weeks it has been raining quite a bit and not getting any colder, I think this is becasue of global warming. But i woke up this morning to find a proper frost covering the backgarden.

As soon as i got into school I has people commenting on the band that a I play in. You see my band had this gig on Sunday in my local town centre and there was a lot of people that I know walking about do their christmas shopping. It was quite a good gig,I thought it was going to be really crap with people not watching or kids running around shouting and be troublesome, but none of that happend!

so overall its been a fairly decent day!

12:11 PST OK. The keyword for today is

fucking lower back pain!

I can't fucking stand this. It's insane. It's so goddamn hurts! My back has been hurting for a few days now. I was getting tea few minutes ago and decided to strech. Now the pain is fuckin' incredible! I can't move without feeling the dull pain in my lower back. No matter how i sit, it's still hurts! I'm gonna go home and lie down or something. Argh! This way I'll never become a construction worker (reference to Office space). ARGH! Or more like fucking ouch! Try to go back to work...

13:20 PST Pain is my friend. Pain is good. Pain means im still alive. Took me ~10 minutes to get to the washroom. Took me 3 minutes to tie the shoe laces on my right foot. This is not good.

14:03 I'm thinking of going home. I lost my comfortable sitting position and breathing hurts now. I figured out a way to walk though - apply pleasure just above my butt (where the belt usually is. I'm getting scared. I hope there are no permanent damage. Ugh :(

15:17 Ate some tylonol. This is first time in 7 years I take it. Ouuch....

22:04 Goddamn. Everyone comming with suggestions. Nothing is helping. Somehow I can't stop laughing. Shrug. My dad (who is a doctor incidentally) tried to do something - not really successfull. Gonna go our familly doctor. I borrowed dad's belt thingie. It basically prevents lower back muscles from moving. This sort of feels better now. I've been sitting for 7 minutes. It hurts. I think I'm gonna go lie down. I took a day off tomorrow. It's gonna be one hell of a fucking drag. ARGH! Good night everythingians.

An alarming thought I had today:

I spend upwards of 18 hours a day sitting relatively motionless in front of a deadly radiation source, and I spend the other 6 hours lying unconscious and motionless on soft cushions. My muscles (and especially my cardiovascular system) are atrophying at a rate unrivaled even by astronauts in freefall.

I predict death by heart failure and/or grizzly bear no later than March, 2006.

You are a
jamming wee
cunt for winning
that money!



As you can see, Nick was somewhat pleased to hear about my good luck - I got a call this afternoon to let me know I'd won second prize in a raffle, £400 in electrical goods vouchers. I've yet to find out where I'm allowed to spend them, and I've yet to figure out what to spend them on, but I am glad that Graham weasled £1 out of me to buy the ticket to help fund his hockey team...

Aw Fuck!

I haven't been here lately, instead I have been studying for exams and playing Final Fantasy IX. I can't believe I like such a stupid game with quotes like "I may be Queen but I'll always be myself!" and "It is the power of friendship that makes us strong!". Ugh. Worse than the Spice Girls. Maybe if I liked the fighting I would have an excuse, but I don't. I only play because I am dying to reach the conclusion.


Tomorrow is my last exam. I hate it but I signed up for the bullshit so I might as well follow through. Then I can be free floating, with no earthly string. The exam is at 7:00 pm which means I have to study all day tommorrow too. When the exam is over, I can live again. Next semester is my last of University... I have to go through an attitude adjustment before then, my angry feelings make me think I am hurdling to disaster. I just have to grit my teeth, straighten my back and pull out the iron discipline. I never thought it would be this... empty. It is all my fault too. My stupid decisions landed me here. I have run from so many things that now I am stuck nowhere.

I must make steps in the right direction. I have made a few this year, but not enough to make up for all of the lost time. Because I am here frittering my time away. My family thinks I am a loser. They regret what happened to me, how I was ignored as a kid, all the lonely years of my Mom's drinking and no one was around. I had to learn everything by myself and constructed a shoddy life for myself. Now they look at me like I am nothing but a sad result. I simply cannot see myself this way or else it will mean my demise. I can't survive and build if I see myself like that. I am so tired. I want to be free of this. But I have to be strong to be free.


Just got back from the Limp Bizkit/Godsmack concert, and my ears are still numb. It was awesome. We even had a mosh pit form up in the seat asiles a few feet away from us. It was great to hear Godsmack's songs live. I've got to buy a couple of new albums now.

I left work at about 4pm to go pick up the rest of our group. We arrived about 90 minutes early. The place was packed by the time Godsmack was playing. Limp Bizkit put on an awesome show; everyone was standin and rockin. I haven't heard too many of his songs before, but I'll have to check them out.

I just wrote another email to Sara. I want to keep some communication going so I can see what develops. I should call her on the phone sometime... I'm just better at communicating through text though; it gives me a chance to be more articulate. I always feel like I've run out of conversational topics when talking in person or on the phone with someone. Still, if I want to foster a relationship, I will need to call her on the phone.

I wonder if it would be really shameless of me to make a notecard of topics of conversation to bring up when I'm not sure what else to talk about :) I could even put the list in my palm pilot and just claim that I was checking the time. If anyone has any suggestions, /msg me :)

Well, I've got to get into work early again tomorrow.

Time for sleep. Time to dream.

It would have been mine and his anniversary today, I just realized this a second ago. I think this every 18th of a month, no matter how long it's been. It saddens me, because now we are not even friends. It's funny how many things can change in such a short amount of time. In the past two months, I've acquired a new best friend, lost the boy that I've come closest to loving, met a boy that might make me forget, stopped hanging out with the group of friends that I had, and learned a lot about myself. It gives me hope and pains me all the same. People and circumstance can be so fickle, but sometimes this can be a good thing if these things need to be changed.

I had to lay out the newspaper for my school today. I'm the news editor, which I thought was going to be cool but is just plain uncomfortable and strenuous. He is also an editor, the art editor at that so he doesn't actually need to be there. I think it's just to torture me. I am almost done with my page, it is amazing how fast something can get done if one wants to get it over with.

I get to talk to Dr. Rodgers again. Professional help attempt two. Although this time it is different, this time it is with him. It is my last chance to try to fix our friendship, because if professional help can't fix us I don't know what can. I'm sorry that it has come down to this. We had something special, and he is throwing it away. I can't seem to deal with this, even though I know it is over. I have a feeling this metting we have tomorrow will be futile, but I have to do it anyway. I need to show him that I'm not a bad person and I'm capable of just friendship.

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