I really need to
vent. Normally I would talk about it on my online
journal, but all the people I need to vent about read it.
Jesse and I started talking again. It was wonderful for a while. He said that he missed me and that he wanted to see me when I came back for Christmas break. He wanted to take me to the movies and I could wear my red dress just like our last date. Which was over a year ago. And we're stuck in the same cycles that we have been for over a year. We go through these good phases, when I remember why I loved him. We reminisce about stuff we've done, he tells me secrets and comes to me with problems that only I can help him with. And then something happens, usually his current girlfriend gets pissed at him for talking to me, and its all over.
This time it was over something legitimate. I came to Berkeley for many reasons. Yes, to go to college, and a great one at that, but also to get away from him. Fact: Jesse is not good for me and my mental health. And then I find out that Jesse is moving to San Francisco, just 30 minutes away, in a matter of months! He cant do that. I live here, and Im safe from wanting to drive over to his house in the middle of the night just to succumb to his whims. And if he lives here, anything could be possible. And that scares me. So we talked on the phone, and I freaked out like I always do. Its not like I want to be with him, but something inside of me snaps and I cant control throwing myself at his feet. Thank God he doesnt want me back because I dont want to be with someone whom I would have to worry about cheating on me all the time.
So then his girlfriend, damn her, got mad at him for him talking to me and thinks that shit will happen between us when he comes here. Nothing is going to happen, I dont want what he has to offer, relationship wise anyway. So then he thinks he can block my online name and block all mail that I sent him. This really hurt me. The fact that he could cut me out of his life on a whim. So I talked to him tonight, and it didnt go so well.I started crying right after. Maybe he has the right idea. It would be best if we stopped talking, really. Easier said than done though.
I really dont understand myself when it comes to him. I dont want him in my life, but the idea of not having him in it scares the shit out of me. He's been the one constant in my life through all those major changes. I knew I could always call him late at night when I had no one else. He was someone to think about when I had no one else to think about. I want someone else to think about.