War on Terror: Next Phase
Now that we've thrown Saddam out and liberated Iraq, I propose a
new step in the war on terror: let's declare war on boneheads.
These people terrify me with their stupidity and probably a lot
of the rest of you as well. They cost our economy immeasurable losses
each year, probably at least 5 percent of GDP. I say we take them on
So, who are the boneheads among us? Oh, I think you (and they)
know who they are. All across America we see boneheads working in
restaurants, carefully filling ketchup bottles to the exact top so
that patrons will have to fight the bottle tooth and nail to properly
season their freedom fries. They go on to fill the napkin containers
full to the bursting point so that grabbing a napkin becomes an
exercise in futility. Many napkins are sacrificed in torn little bits
so that the bonehead can have his way. They could leave the bottles
an inch or so from full - or the napkin container merely full rather
than overstuffed - and make life safe for the poor diners, but no,
they are boneheads and their mission is clear: to disrupt the American
way of life.
On our freeways each day we see boneheads in tireless action:
needlessly weaving amongst the lanes, slowing all of us down in their
search for a mythical optimum path. We see them enter crowded
freeways and pass all of the cars patiently waiting to advance;
zooming to the very end of the on ramp and cutting in line ahead of
all others. They slow to a crawl at the scene of accidents on the
other side of the road to cast a vacuous stare at the carnage. They
know that a great nation depends on great transportation and they must
disrupt our vital arteries if they are to win a final victory.
In our markets, we see legions of boneheads; helpless to answer the
most trivial questions about merchandise and unable to engage in the
simple act of making change without the glowing numbers on the cash
register to guide them. They stack items on the shelves so tightly
that pulling down one box or can without disturbing three others is
impossible. They run their hands through their slick, greasy hair
before handling your groceries. Driving Americans to madness is in
their mission statement.
The boneheads have also targeted the heart of America's success:
capitalism. What workplace doesn't have its resident bonehead? All
across America they are lining up at the copy machines, waiting for
dozens of emails to be printed on paper that can subsequently be
stuffed into bulging file cabinets. They practice chemical warfare by
spreading noxious odors by microwave. They cyber-attack by emailing
lame jokes that everyone has already heard from six other boneheads.
They communicate their every move to their bonehead spouse, at high
volume. We can only guess at the monetary damage boneheads do to our
businesses and corporations each year.
But wait, you say, can we be sure that all of this is the organized
work of real boneheads? What if some of it is genuine foolishness?
First of all, the work of boneheads is too pervasive and effective to
be the product of unorganized fools. Clearly, it can only be the work
of top boneheads, cleverly organized. As we speak they are having
"cell" meetings, plotting further damage to the United States.
Secondly, they are too careful in their work for mere fools. That
napkin container doesn't get overfilled every single day by a
mere fool: it takes dedication and perseverance. They must be
True, there may be civilian or collateral damage in our war on
boneheads. Some peaceful fools may get caught in the cross fire and
boneheads may use some non-boneheads as "human shields". There is a
distinct possibility that, despite every effort to the contrary, some
non-bonehead infrastructure may be inadvertently destroyed by errant
missives. We can't know for sure, but it is always possible that some
bonehead will loose a Weapon of Mass Distraction (such as yet another
self-important blog). These are the fortunes of war; all we can do is
work as hard as possible to minimize the damage.
Boneheads: your days are numbered!