War on Terror: Next Phase

Now that we've thrown Saddam out and liberated Iraq, I propose a new step in the war on terror: let's declare war on boneheads. These people terrify me with their stupidity and probably a lot of the rest of you as well. They cost our economy immeasurable losses each year, probably at least 5 percent of GDP. I say we take them on next.

So, who are the boneheads among us? Oh, I think you (and they) know who they are. All across America we see boneheads working in restaurants, carefully filling ketchup bottles to the exact top so that patrons will have to fight the bottle tooth and nail to properly season their freedom fries. They go on to fill the napkin containers full to the bursting point so that grabbing a napkin becomes an exercise in futility. Many napkins are sacrificed in torn little bits so that the bonehead can have his way. They could leave the bottles an inch or so from full - or the napkin container merely full rather than overstuffed - and make life safe for the poor diners, but no, they are boneheads and their mission is clear: to disrupt the American way of life.

On our freeways each day we see boneheads in tireless action: needlessly weaving amongst the lanes, slowing all of us down in their search for a mythical optimum path. We see them enter crowded freeways and pass all of the cars patiently waiting to advance; zooming to the very end of the on ramp and cutting in line ahead of all others. They slow to a crawl at the scene of accidents on the other side of the road to cast a vacuous stare at the carnage. They know that a great nation depends on great transportation and they must disrupt our vital arteries if they are to win a final victory.

In our markets, we see legions of boneheads; helpless to answer the most trivial questions about merchandise and unable to engage in the simple act of making change without the glowing numbers on the cash register to guide them. They stack items on the shelves so tightly that pulling down one box or can without disturbing three others is impossible. They run their hands through their slick, greasy hair before handling your groceries. Driving Americans to madness is in their mission statement.

The boneheads have also targeted the heart of America's success: capitalism. What workplace doesn't have its resident bonehead? All across America they are lining up at the copy machines, waiting for dozens of emails to be printed on paper that can subsequently be stuffed into bulging file cabinets. They practice chemical warfare by spreading noxious odors by microwave. They cyber-attack by emailing lame jokes that everyone has already heard from six other boneheads. They communicate their every move to their bonehead spouse, at high volume. We can only guess at the monetary damage boneheads do to our businesses and corporations each year.

But wait, you say, can we be sure that all of this is the organized work of real boneheads? What if some of it is genuine foolishness? First of all, the work of boneheads is too pervasive and effective to be the product of unorganized fools. Clearly, it can only be the work of top boneheads, cleverly organized. As we speak they are having "cell" meetings, plotting further damage to the United States. Secondly, they are too careful in their work for mere fools. That napkin container doesn't get overfilled every single day by a mere fool: it takes dedication and perseverance. They must be stopped!

True, there may be civilian or collateral damage in our war on boneheads. Some peaceful fools may get caught in the cross fire and boneheads may use some non-boneheads as "human shields". There is a distinct possibility that, despite every effort to the contrary, some non-bonehead infrastructure may be inadvertently destroyed by errant missives. We can't know for sure, but it is always possible that some bonehead will loose a Weapon of Mass Distraction (such as yet another self-important blog). These are the fortunes of war; all we can do is work as hard as possible to minimize the damage.

Boneheads: your days are numbered!