editor's note: The following 'extra scene' for this play was written by erotica writer Edward Stauff in 1991, rather than William Shakespeare.
William Shakespeare's
A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act III, scene 3.
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Act III. Scene III. -- Another part of the The Wood.
Enter TITANIA and BOTTOM, Fairies attending, and PUCK, unseen.
- TITANIA
- Come, bathe with me in yonder pool and, when
- Refresh'd and sweeten'd by its waters, then
- Upon its mossy shores we will recline
- And tenderly our sep'rate limbs entwine
- Like vines which on some ancient trunk advance
- And there perform love's horizontal dance.
- BOTTOM
- As for dancing, I'll jig along with the best of 'em, and as for
- twining, I'll tie us up like so much string; but as for bathing,
- I'd as lief skip over that and proceed with the rest.
- TITANIA
- Thou art no less than perfect in my sight,
- More precious to me is thy every word.
- But thou about thee hast an air of blight;
- Such imperfection thou canst not afford.
- BOTTOM
- Tis true my faults are few and of little significance, and if
- the air be made no sweeter by my presence (which I doubt),
- consider how much worse would smell my corpse, freshly drownded:
- I can dance and sing, but neither fly nor swim.
- TITANIA
- This shallow pond's no deeper than my chest,
- Upon which, while you bathe, your head will rest.
- Of drowning I can pacify your fear.
- Come fairies, do assist me with my dear.
- PUCK
- Now ere long they shall see
- Other ass anatomy.
- So I'll watch, here conceal'd,
- What's about to be reveal'd.
- BOTTOM
- Here, master Cobweb, would you steal a man's clothes straight
- off his back? Masters Peas-Blossom and Mustard-Seed, my boots
- will not serve you to wear, for they are too large, nor will
- they serve you as drinking-horns, for they are too holy. Nay,
- master Moth, my trousers too? Help me, lest I fall! [Falls in water]
- TITANIA
- What royal sceptre of heroic size
- Is this that doth thy graceful loins adorn?
- Art thou bold Priapus in some disguise?
- What melodies I'll play upon this horn!
- BOTTOM
- [Aside] Be this bludgeon curse or blessing I cannot say, but if
- I have this water to thank for it, I have a new-found friend in
- water. [ToTITANIA] I'll rise to the occasion.
- TITANIA
- Thou art my conquerer: now I do brace
- Myself for thou to serve the coup de grace.
- Be merciful as thou thy weapon wield:
- Not quick, but slow, and so this flesh will yield.
- Oh! Ah! By all the gods! I am impaled!
- PUCK
- Tomcats have tenderness
- In their mating nothing less
- Than this oaf, in disguise,
- Battering Titania's thighs.
- TITANIA
- I am an endless field which thou must plough
- Forever, for I cannot have enou
- Of thy embrace. But here, thy seed is sown
- In such a raging torrent as to drown
- Me from within. Now in some other wise
- Thou must to me make love, nor criticize
- This thy performance for its brevity,
- For much superior longevity
- Have fingers, lips and tongue. Nay, do not sleep!
- Awaken! O, how canst thou lie so deep
- In slumber, having sated well thy lust,
- While for a similar contentment must
- Titania to her own devices turn?
- COBWEB
- O most beloved queen, wilt thou not spurn
- This rude, ill-mannered mortal?
- TITANIA
-
Say not so.
- While sleeps my love, apart from him we'll go
- Some little distance, so thereby to wake
- Him not, while we my passion try to slake.
- Come fairies, if you can,
- Complete what he began.
[Exeunt TITANIA and Fairies]
William Shakespeare's
A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act III, scene 3.
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Copyright 1991 by Edward L. Stauff. The author grants permission
to copy and distribute this story for personal, non-profit use, provided
that it is copied without modification and includes this notice. All
other rights are reserved.