This is a story about
my first kiss ever, and how it has broken my heart.
It started a year ago, when I met a colleague from high school in a party at my university. We glanced each other and were a bit startled for we recognized each other but didn't know where from. It instantly hit me: she was a friend of a friend of mine in high school, which I never spoke to, since at that time I was much more shier than I am now (even more so to women).
Well, to cut a bit of the story, she stayed the night in my place (she had gone to that party from another city with a friend, and the place they had arranged to stay wasn't very nice, so I helpfully opened my door) with her friend, but me and her where left alone for that night, where we talked our brains out. It was amazing, we liked each other instantaneously.
And I fell in love with her.
The next day, she departed, and we wouldn't see each other for another year. Why? For many reasons, first of all, I was still rather shy with people (I've changed a lot recently) and never had the nerve to call her (she'd left her number).
We eventually met again (she called me) and I went to the beach with her and friends, but it wasn't the same thing, I always felt intimidated by them and couldn't talk to her like I did last time.
To cut the story shorter, she eventually invited me again to the beach, but this time without anyone else, and plus, she asked me if I didn't mind she did "topless".I said "fine”, but my guts were twirling from emotion, was she doing it on purpose? To seduce me?
The next day, she took me to the beach in her bike, and the day passed fine. She was topless, but I was cool with that, and we chatted away for a long time, making small breaks to refresh ourselves in the water.
Anyhow, I don't know what it was, the talk, her figure, my admiration for her, her beautiful figure, I really had passion in my heart (not sexual one, the real one).
And, in the middle of the talk I couldn't stop myself asking her if I could kiss her. She was silent, then asked "what?". I was silent.
She was surprised with what I said, replied, "Where did that come from...?" and "But you're very frank, that's rare...". We then proceeded to change the topic… Eventually we decided to leave the beach, and then, I had a flash of all those moments when I hadn't done anything and wished I had, and I certainly wasn't going to let this one become one of them. I approached her face, until I lost my nerve, and rolled to the other side. She was surprised again "you are very shy, aren't you?”. Yes, I thought, and I usually do a good job hiding it.
However shy I was, I wasn't recriminating myself for what I had tried, I was still confident, something which surprised me a lot. As I joked about "men having to do all the work", I hear from her sweet lips "well, I'm also shy in that department" and "well, It's not my fault if I've been conditioned to be a typical passive women". Now, THAT surprised me, she had always seemed so confident to me, and so self-assured, that it was really heartening to know she was in the same position.
I collected all my strengths, and, supported by my elbows, moved toward her, and kissed her lips. Just a quick kiss, but it shattered a lot of cobwebs in my soul. It was an act that really shook me.
Well, no, I didn't get to be her boyfriend, because immediately afterwards we acted as nothing had happened (well, she did actually, because I was very tender to her all the way back on her bike (nothing vulgar!! just caressing her elbows, etc)). When we departed, I tried to set another date, but she kept changing topics, and none was set.
I was really confused, but happy, I knew then that I could be attractive to women!!
However, as I began to analyse the events better, I realized that she hadn't done anything to show the same kind of affection for me, i.e., she let herself be kissed, but didn't kiss back, never touched me, etc.
I passed two days thinking of her, remembering how one of her nipples had shown up her shirt, as we rode on the bike, and being glad at the time for not feeling any sexual arousal, only love.
Then I called her, and the first thing she said, even before we chatted anything, was that she was out of means of transport (for some complicated reasons, not worth giving here).... the message was obvious... I chatted a bit, then said "well, in that case you won't be able to go the cinema with me, uh?", and her answer confirmed what I had thought, that her feelings towards me weren't the same.
The same night, as I analysed, and re-analysed (perhaps I analyse to much? Something to be analysed in the future :p ) all that happened, I realized that I had, in my passion, forgotten about what she might have been feeling at the time, maybe she had been embarrassed, and in my blindness, I had thought only about my pleasure. Only her friendship had made her tolerate this.
I decided then to send an sms to her. The message was short "I'm sorry for what happened at the beach. It was a selfish impulse of mine which you had to put up with. Friends as before? kiss"
Of course, the "impulse" I had felt was more than just an impulse, it was a culmination of silent devotion, but I didn't want to disturb her. Her answer was, as always, direct "That's ok, I'm used to dealing with male hormones. Nice studying.".
And that's it. I haven't seen her since, it's been only a week since all this events unfolded. I've decided to pass some time before seeing her again. Firstly, to show her I only want to be friends (since I cannot be her lover), and two, too see if I get her of my head.... Only time will tell.