The Red Badge of Gayness was the fourteenth episode from the third season of the popular animated series "South Park". This particular episode is a parody of both Civil War reenactments and revisionist historians. The episode title itself is a parody of the Stephen Crane's classic novel "The Red Badge Of Courage".
The episode begins like so many of them do, with our four little friends waiting for the school bus. It seems that they are all preparing for the upcoming Civil War Reenactment, where they will be playing the part of the Fife and Drum Squad for the Union army. All would be well, but it seems that Mr. Eric Cartman has his own ideas as to the proper way to play a drum. You can't just "hit" a drum, you have to beat the shit out of it! Shut your butthole, or I'll kick your ass, you fuckin' drum!! That's how you rock, dude. Kyle and Stan just want Cartman to "keep the beat", so they decide that he is going to have to play the flute instead. Cartman tells them "No way, flutes are gay, Screw you guys, I'm going home", and proceeds to bash his drum kit to pieces before he leaves. Kenny mumbles something about flutes being gay as well, but it is fairly hard to understand.
The morning of the reenactment soon comes, and we find all the townspeople lined up and ready to reenact the battle of Tamarack Hill. The boys start to get worried because Cartman still hasn't shown up. Jimbo welcomes everyone to the reenactment, and plugs their sponsor for the year, Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps, the schnapps with the delightful taste of S'mores.
Gentlemen, we can win this battle! Sure, we could lose, and tonight we can go back to our families and say, "We did it! We lost like we were supposed to! Aren't we proud?!" Or, or we take that hill. We take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads high, and we yell, "Not this year! This year belongs to the Confederaseh!"
Cartman finally shows up dressed as General Lee, and makes a bet with the other boys that if the South wins, then they will be his slaves for a month. They begin the reenactment and Cartman throws the entire thing off by capturing the town bell for the South. Everybody gets mad because the South was supposed to lose that battle. So they start over again, except this time Cartman has convinced everyone on the Confederate side that they should win the battle. So the Confederates quickly beat the living hell out of the Union soldiers, and the reenactment ends, with a Confederate victory.
The next scene opens in the South Park Banquet Hall where all the reenactors are standing around drinking and debating about what would have happened if the Confederates had marched on to Topeka. It all starts with a whisper, Eric Cartman says "Perhaps we should take Topeka", and then with trickery and ventriloquism (I'll bet you can't, because you guys are all pussies!) he manages to convince all the drunken men that it would be a good idea. Even the Union reenactors join up, and Cartman takes Kenny along as the men leave to conquer Topeka Kansas!
The scene opens in Topeka on a quiet morning. The local mailman is chatting with a few people when the reenactors attack. They quickly defeat the confused townspeople by attacking with blanks, hitting people with rifles, and burning down a few buildings. Before they are done with the town they plunder it for all the Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps they can find. We see that Cartman is taking his General Lee persona even more seriously now that they have a real victory. As an aside, Cartman always tends to escape into fantasy, he hates himself and the real world, and can usually only find comfort in escaping from his reality to somewhere else. This is a recurring theme in many episodes.
Next we go back to South Park to look in on the boys that stayed behind. Stan and Kyle are waiting for the bus and discussing the situation when "Confederate Messenger Butters" arrives with a letter from "General Cartman Lee".
Words cannot express how much I hate you guys. As we fight our way northward into the great unknown, only that one thing remains certain: that I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate body. We have taken Topeka, and now I must lolly the men over to Missouri. Because I will not stop until we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because, I hate you guys. I hate you guys so very very much.
General Cartman Lee
We learn from a news report that the "Confederates" are growing in number rapidly, and defeating every town that they come across. The reporter thinks that Jimbo is the mastermind behind all of this, when in actuality it is all Eric Cartman's doing, and Jimbo is just doing what he is told. In true South Park style the news report is joined already in progress and we get to hear the tail end of another story, "And she was forced to live off her own feces for several days".
Stan, Kyle, Grandpa, and the National Guard all show up in an attempt to put a stop to the reenactors. The National Guard doesn't attack because there are too many children around, but they do fire a warning flare, which manages to kill someone, and I will give you one guess who it managed to hit. It appears that Stan has a plan that just might work, but they will have to wait until dark to put it into action.
Dear Ms. McCormick
It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you that your son Kenny was killed in battle on the morning of November 18, at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga. This war has taken something from all of us, and, although your son seems to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share your pain. Your son did not die in vain. I shall persevere and make Stan and Kyle my slaves. Because I hate those guys. I hate them so very very much.
General Cartman Lee
Stan, Kyle, Grandpa sneak into the Confederate camp after dark and steal all the Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps in hopes that everyone will then sober up and go home. The men quickly discover that their alcohol supply is apparently gone, but they don't really seem to mind until the next morning.
Everyone awakes the next morning with a terrible hangover. They all realize what they have been doing, and begin leaving to head for their homes. Cartman attempts to stop them, but no one wants to listen to him. Stan and Kyle appear and taunt Eric about him losing their bet, but Eric proclaims that it isn't over yet, not by a long shot.
Everyone is headed for the bus station when the Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps trucks arrive. "Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl" gets out and informs them all that they can have all the Schnapps they want, and that Jagermin's was going to continue sponsoring them. At first no one is interested, but Cartman suggests one for the road, and Suzette pipes in with " Yes, please. Do a shot out of my breasts". The next thing you know everyone is roaring drunk again, and are engaged in a hearty game of "grab ass" when Cartman suggests that they attack Fort Sumter.
The men march on to Fort Sumter (which is only really a museum now), and quickly conquer it, only to find themselves surrounded by the National Guard. Things look dim for the Confederates until reinforcements show up, more specifically, the entire state of South Carolina shows up and surrounds the National Guard.
From there the men march onto Washington D.C. to deliver their demands to the President of the United States.
Dear Mr. President
There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's authoritah. You must declare the Confederaceh its own nation so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes we have of you with Marisa Tomei.
General Cartman Lee
Clinton is ready to give into their demands to avoid having the tape of him and Marisa Tomei going public. Not that there is an actual tape, Cartman just made it up, and happened to guess correctly. Luckily Stan and Kyle have a plan to stop this from happening. They show up dressed as Jefferson Davis and Abraham Lincoln and stage a surrender scene, and decide that the Confederates will each get all the Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps that they can drink for an entire year. All the Confederates are quite happy with this and they refuse to continue the battle, despite Cartman's attempts to urge them on to victory. Clinton thanks the boys (who are careful to keep their distance from him), and the episode ends with history intact.