I punched a good friend today.

I showed up for the robotics club meeting after school, and I see a big box of pizza, and everyone eating. I peer in and saw one single slice remaining. Who must this one be for? Well, everyone else's mouth is full, why don't I take it?

I reach in and Tim slaps my hand away.

"What's that about?"
"This isn't your slice."
"Then whose is it?"
"We all paid for it."
"Okay, I'll pay you for it. Here's $2" "No! We all chipped in!"
"All right, how about I pay you $3?"
"I don't care if you give me a million, I'm hungry and I want this slice!"
"Who else bought it?"
"Me, Frankie, and Renzo."
"All right. Hey Renzo, I'll pay you $2 for a slice!"
"Don't let him have it!"
"Why not?"
"Renzo? Ok, Frankie, I'll pay you $2 for a slice"
"Dude, you're not getting it"
"Fine! Take your stupid slice!" {grumble}

I walk away, leaving Tim to munch on his crust. Then I hear Frankie say, "I don't want any more, anyone can have that slice." I spin around and take the four steps back to the table, but I see my greedy friend already on his second bite. WTF? Wasn't he just holding a crust? Now he's looking at me, with a big grin on his face.

"Hey!" "MMghtzpt {mouth full}" "Oh come on! No fair!" He gives me a huge smartass grin, still stuffing his face.
Now I really get mad, madder than I ever have in the 3 years I've known him.

"You ASSHOLE!" I yell, in front of the group. I don't curse, so this suprised me, but I usually don't get that upset. This guy knew that I wanted that slice, and he would rather see me suffer than both of us smile over its taste.

I glare.

He grins.

"You Jerk", I say with my teeth gritted. My right hand opened. I swing it up and curve it left, so I catch him right in the side of the head, with all my strength. It must have hurt; it was a really hard smack that almost pushed him off the seat. If it were me, I'd probably fall over or yell or something, but these public school kids are probably used to pain. In half a second he's back straight again, looking at me, this time with a wider grin.

I'm unsure what to do. I feel as if people are watching me. "You SUCK." I say for lack of a better insult that's not a curse word and storm off. I would have said some more, screamed at what just happened, but I had to leave there immediately. Every part of me just had to run, it just felt horrible. Horrible for cursing at someone and actually meaning it, Horrible for striking a friend, horrible because he was really being selfish and dissing me in front of all our friends. Horrible because my great day of school now had a dent.

I sit down and have a deep breath, my mind is racing. It was only 10 seconds of confrontation, but I reacted in a direction I don't like. A minute later my sister comes over to me and says how when I left, everyone went and told Tim what a rotten thing he had just done, for no reason.

I still feel really bad about the whole thing. Yes, he started it, Yes, he was mean, Yes I shouldn't have hit him.

A few minutes later, I walk back in, nothing's different, except everyone is just about done with their pizza. I'm walking over there, but a friend stops me to compliment my shirt. That's what I wanted in the first place, but first I have to set things right.

I tap Tim on the shoulder, he turns and looks at me, again with that stupid grin, only about normal size this time.
"Hey, I'm sorry about that before. You okay?" I point to his head. He nods, and shifts his social smile a bit.

Good, I apologized, why don't I feel any better? Dang, I never curse, and especially not when I mean it. I don't hit people either, now I'm angry at myself for...everything. How I handled it, how I reacted, how I lost my temper.

As the class starts, I put my head on the table and think. Why did I lose it like that? Maybe it's anxiety over college? That stultifyingly bad test I finished an hour ago? The arguement with my mother? Nah, I wasn't angry when I walked in.

It must have been his look. He was looking in my eyes, and smiling. When I glared back, I saw this malicious look of pleasure in his eyes. Just feeling his aura of schadenfreude stunned me, it demonized him in my eyes. I'm glad i wasn't holding anything and I didn't glare at him long enough, because I would have hit him harder. The look just made me snap, shattered all the calm I had up to that point, and the expression on his face drove me to madness.

My sister didn't make me feel any better. "Yes, it was unfair, but so was you hitting him." I tried to tell my friend after school about how bad I felt that I hit someone, and the feeling they gave me was "Welcome to the Club."

I recount the whole thing to my father, who takes my side in the whole thing, but I don't feel any better. What do I want? I want someone to tell me things will be all right, I want him to accept my apology. I feel so weak and powerless.

I want him to say he's sorry for what he did to me, and he didn't know I'd take it so badly. Maybe I had extenuating cicrumstances, any person would have reacted the same in my case.

I want him to apologize.

--Dang, I started crying from another Daylog again