A tragic event befell me today.

For dinner I decided to break my month long boycott of fast food and get a Wendy's hamburger. I immdiately noticed two anti-Wendy's characteristics after I had peeled the foil wrapping away from my delicious prize.

    1. The presence of Satan's semen, more commonly know as the misnomer, mayo.
    2. The absence of mustard.

Since I was a wee little girl I have always associated mayo abstinence and pro mustard practices with Wendy's and their hamburgers. Quality is their recipe. Anyone who is familiar with the evils of Satan's semen knows that the product is not easily removed. Specially formulated, it seeps into the pores of the bun, creams the crevices of the lettuce, and congeals in the grooves of the pickle. Eradication is difficult, made more so by the one napkin they blessed me with. The "mayo" was also intermingled with the lovely, saintly ketchup, a friend to everyone. I was faced with two difficult choices.

    A. Stomach the jizz to keep my tangy friend, ketchup.
    B. Cleanse the jizz from my burger thus losing ketchup.

Initially, I tried the first method but Satan's will is strong and his supply of man juice ample. This thwarted my plan in the first few bites. Especially when I approached the middle, or the "money shot." I decided to go with plan B.

A difficult task at hand, I attacked the bun and lettuce with blotting stabs from my sole napkin. Casualties numbered in the single digits. My sleeve, and three fingers were tainted in the process.

I delightfully began to consume my burger, sans man juice. Then another realization struck. While I contemplated the barren dryness(damn you Satan!), I noticed the bun lacked sesame seeds. It also had a suspicious yellow color, much like the cheap buns you buy at the store. Disenchantment set in and I decided to abandon the burger project.

I found myself at a loss. What happened here? I scratched vigorously at the Wendy's logo on the bag in hopes it might reveal "Wendie's" or "Wanda's" with no luck.

Please, a moment of silence.