So, I've been dealing with a lot lately. Well, not a lot really, but for a while there I let my life drive me instead of the other way around and I don't like that feeling. It's never as fulfilling when you live it that way. And, at the center of it is this huge desire, maybe need, I feel to fall in love again. It has been so many years since I have felt that way towards someone and had it returned. I watch hamsty and heb , Void and Kendall, Agthorr and Oblio, and I am reminded of the feelings, the tastes, and touches that I once had, and I miss them sooo much.

And I realize that in wanting it so badly I have started doing stupid things. I've been shamelessly flirting with this really sweet guy because he's been flirting with me. But the thing is, he's a guy, and he just doesn't have that special something I need to go that way. So, I feel bad about my actions, and leading him on a little, and I don't like that.

So tonight, after an episode of buffy that got interrupted about a billion times, I kindly kicked out the monkeyboy and started working on myself. I exercised. I practiced my kicks, blocks, takedowns, stance, and punches. I sweat. I breathed hard. I decided to stop flirting with people just because they flirt back, even if they are nice. I decided that I will focus on what makes me feel best. I refuse to believe that all the cool girls with brains are straight and/or married (damn you void and templeton  ;)  ). I am also determined to find a female in this town cool enough to hang out with. Yes, my dear boys, I still love you but I need some female friends. I'm sick of Action Flicks and other boyishness all the time.