So, I've been dealing with a lot lately. Well, not a
lot really, but for a while there I let my life drive me
instead of the other way around and I don't like that feeling. It's never as fulfilling when you live it that way.
And, at the center of it is this huge desire, maybe need, I feel to
fall in love again. It has been
so many years since I have felt that way towards
someone and
had it returned. I watch
hamsty and
heb ,
Void and Kendall,
Agthorr and Oblio, and I am reminded of the feelings,
the tastes, and
touches that I once had, and
I miss them sooo much.
And I realize that in wanting it so badly I have started doing stupid things. I've been shamelessly flirting with this really sweet guy because he's been flirting with me. But the
thing is, he's a guy, and he just doesn't have that special something
I need to go that way. So, I feel bad about my actions, and leading him on a little, and I don't like
that.
So tonight, after an episode of
buffy that got
interrupted about a billion times,
I kindly kicked out the
monkeyboy and started working on myself. I exercised. I practiced my
kicks, blocks, takedowns, stance, and punches. I sweat. I breathed hard. I decided to stop flirting with
people just because they flirt back, even if they are nice. I decided that I will focus on what makes me
feel best. I refuse to believe that all the cool girls with brains are
straight and/or
married (damn you
void and
templeton ;) ). I am also determined to find a female in
this town
cool enough to
hang out with. Yes, my dear boys, I still love you but I need some female friends. I'm sick of
Action Flicks and other boyishness all the time.