Cooked pancakes this morning, and then I worked all day. It was busy, the time passed quickly, we got out late. Over nine hundred dollars short of making the budget for today – damn. No bonus for kaytay. Hopefully it’ll even out with the rest of the month. I always wonder though – how many people can buy dishes? Sooner or later, there will be no people left without service for twelve, and then Pfaltzgraff would go out of business. But somehow we manage to sell enough plates and bowls and soup tureens to cover several large dining room tables, every single day. I will never understand.

Went to Arby’s for lunch and had a French Dip sub and a lot of cherry coke. My aversion to eating cow seems to have disappeared over the past couple years. I still don’t eat red meat very often, or very much when I do, but a little is a lot more than none.

My mom called to say Crystal was home from the hospital. She hasn’t been home in months, at least. I’ve never met her face to face, but we have been writing letters for quite some time. My mom got talking with Crystal’s mom during my struggle with an eating disorder, but while I eventually recovered, Crystal is still in the hospital eleven out of twelve months of the year.

I just got home from visiting Crystal at her parent’s guesthouse. We talked about what it was like to be in treatment, and mostly about the staff at the University of Iowa Hospital. She was home for the weekend, and has developed a severe case of bulimia to top off her six year history with anorexia nervosa. She goes back to Iowa on Tuesday. She’s going to be committed. She has lost a lot of weight during her three day stay at home. When I asked if she wanted to get better, she said, “I don’t know. This is my life now.” I told her I had to get going.

Why can’t she see past the present? I feel so powerless. There’s absolutely nothing I can do besides that which I’ve done, and that hurts. I can’t stand by and watch someone die.