Why do things have to happen when they do? In fact, why do things even have to happen at all?

Why oh why?!

I have been staying clean, or at least very succesfully trying to do so these past few days because of an upcoming piss test that I will have to undergo as part of my requirements for this new rifle I am getting. And no, it isn't some hard target interdiction supergun, in fact it's just a plain old Marlin model 60 .22 lr rifle.

Anyway, I have quite successfully laid off the stuff for some time already when out of the blue she has to come, to my house, when I am alone, and weak. Said weakness was even weakened even more because of my seemingly undying love for this person, a love that I have professed but up until today have yet waited to elicit a response. The funny thing is even now I still don't know what her response was, I was too chicken to ask her and just assumed that her visiting me and asking to smoke some pot with me was the response. I am so stupid.

Now the drug taking wasn't such a disaster, that is not the real disaster, the real disaster here is that I am now confused as hell on why she even bothered to pay me a visit, when as far as I thought, she didn't care for me any more than the dirt that she walked on. I mean, somebody writes you a heartfelt letter professing one's love for you and you don't even give a no nevermind, nothing. I took that as a message of fuck off, don't be a creepy creep, and stay away. And I got over that no problem, in fact, having have done that I felt that I have moved forward on one of the biggest hurdles in my life. I was having the best time with my girlfriend of more than 4 years when she has to show up.

What I can hope for? I don't even want to contemplate, setting me up for another great fall due to false hopes isn't really high on my priority right now.

What would you do?

Should I ask her if she ever has any plans of at least giving a try being with me, me and her being an us? And if she answers in the negative, would it be right if I were to ask her never to show up again? That doesn't seem right, not being able to be friends with a potential partner just means there really is no hope for you in the long term with her right?

Do you now see, do you now feel the inner turmoil that I suffer, that I almost feel has been inflicted upon me?