i do feel very withdrawn.. i am not sure if i am ready for the way the universe is reeling anymore. there is no time, and far too much time. you are not there, or here, i have crawled inside myself so many times this week only to emerge feeling so strong and crash crash crash crashing asleep dizzy drunk do i even remember how to appreciate my breath anymore?

i know there are some people that do not care how i write or what i write and i know there are some that would criticize me.. well, who knows as to how many saw the daylog that was written calling me a stupid girl, saying that most everything i have scrawled here is crap. the way i like to write about the way i saw pieces of my world unfold at any given point.. the fact that i do not just concentrate on the end or half ways, beginnings, i try to bring it altogether. i have always been like that. i am not sorry that anyone doesn't like what i write, i am only sorry that you wasted the time it took you to insult me, when your brain could have been feeding on sun or clouds or dark or, life. i am only sorry that you can not see through my eyes..

dad is in the hospital, still. i walked and cried more than once this week, for him and for the times that i don't think will ever be again. vacations, smiles. of course there will be things for us all again.. it is not the end, it never is.. sometimes it is hard not to sink.

i miss you.. i haven't hurt so bad, ever, as i have more than once this past week. ripped and torn and kicked and bleeding and.. he was nothing, that, was nothing. i know now. i have wanted your arms more than i can tell you.. i want your voice and your eyes.. i need you.

i felt like i would never write again. it did not last so long, it felt like forever.