it is peculiar the way that you exist, so still.. i had not expected to feel too intensely. i had not longed for anything or nothing at all i can still taste it all, life and i had not thought it would be so sweet calm breath drawn from sleepless day (night). i have allowed you to slide around inside of my head, and you've touched little pieces of my thought that most never will and why should i let them?

they said, it is cold, so cold and i should not bother to slip into such cold for something so unsure. am i looking for these connections, these insanely frequent metaphorical life happenings? i did not listen and, it was cold and i was alone but i made it and everything is warmer when your head is hopeful. did you forget something? i don't remember smiling at crumbling lives, but i think i would like to know people who find decay intensely beautiful.

i had not forgotten you are so sweet.. she sent me an e-mail, and i would say it was out of no where but i'd been thinking of her and so it was half expected. or maybe i just needed that..

there are so many people who seem to care about me so much.. sometimes i can't imagine exactly why or i wonder if it will last why did it even begin?. i have never in my entire life felt so loved. i have never felt like i had purpose, if only because so many people found something in me that they could hold onto.. even for a while. even for an instant.

today i walked with my head up and i looked straight into the day. i was not afraid of random eyes, and i did not care who could see that i did not sleep enough or too much. all of these things, these tiny things.. i have been trying to drop them for so long and you.. i don't think you've even the slightest idea how much your existence means to me. if my entire world falls in around me and if i can't get out of here.. and if the sky spills, if there are no stars.. there will still be you. you ween.

i just wish i knew which way to go.
and how fast or how far and when, when..