Abuse runs deep.


Abuse leaves scars so subtle, you don't even know they're there yourself.


It's been 7 years since my monkey was born, and I still haven't lost the weight.  In fact, I've added a little.

When you still tried, I know you wondered why I didn't respond when you made ouvertures to me, just made some self-disparaging comment and acted like you hadn't said or done anything.  I know now you wonder why I don't come to you, and you probably think it's because time has made changes in you.  I don't care about that; to me, in my eyes, you are still the same as when I met you, and you always will be.

The last time I weighed this much, you weren't here.  The last time, someone else was.  The last time, I was told I was a fat, disgusting, lazy slob and a fucking pig.  The last time, I was made to feel grateful for any physical affection.

At first, I thought it was because the monkey was in the bed.  Then, I thought it was because I'm always tired from work.  Until tonight, I didn't realize it's because HE is still there, in the very back of my mind, telling me how unworthy I am, and that if I come to you you will either reject me or give me a mercy fuck, and I'm too stubborn and proud for that.

I don't know why it took me 7 years to realize this; after all, I haven't lived with HIM for 14 years now.  I thought it was the past - I thought I was beyond all that.  But apparently it's still going on.  I wonder what else HE is telling me that I haven't heard yet?

Update: I've been told this reads like we've split. We haven't.