Abuse runs deep.


Abuse leaves scars so subtle, you don't even know they're there yourself.


It's been 7 years since my monkey was born, and I still haven't lost the weight.  In fact, I've added a little.

When you still tried, I know you wondered why I didn't respond when you made ouvertures to me, just made some self-disparaging comment and acted like you hadn't said or done anything.  I know now you wonder why I don't come to you, and you probably think it's because time has made changes in you.  I don't care about that; to me, in my eyes, you are still the same as when I met you, and you always will be.

The last time I weighed this much, you weren't here.  The last time, someone else was.  The last time, I was told I was a fat, disgusting, lazy slob and a fucking pig.  The last time, I was made to feel grateful for any physical affection.

At first, I thought it was because the monkey was in the bed.  Then, I thought it was because I'm always tired from work.  Until tonight, I didn't realize it's because HE is still there, in the very back of my mind, telling me how unworthy I am, and that if I come to you you will either reject me or give me a mercy fuck, and I'm too stubborn and proud for that.

I don't know why it took me 7 years to realize this; after all, I haven't lived with HIM for 14 years now.  I thought it was the past - I thought I was beyond all that.  But apparently it's still going on.  I wonder what else HE is telling me that I haven't heard yet?

Update: I've been told this reads like we've split. We haven't.

I've been told over and over "Don't be angry." "You're too angry." "You need to let go of your anger." And the latest: "You need to transcend your anger."

This morning I've been trying to avoid feeling anger over an email. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

I finally stopped and thought: it's okay to feel angry. I let myself feel it.

It is gone instantly. No anger. Just sadness.

I talk to it. "Not anger?"




Oh. "Defense mechanism?"


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