he said,
"close your eyes."
so i did.
it was just a simple command, only slightly above pleading. said with such conviction, such emotion--how could i resist?
he said, "pretend you're alone in this room."
so i did.
maybe it was the music softly playing, softly pulling on my heart. maybe it was the blackness behind my eyelids that i see all too unfrequently, that's there whenever i need it. maybe i'm too scared to admit that i have no idea what it was.
(yes, for once in my life, i allowed myself to feel something so illogical, so beautiful--it's foolish, i know. i felt like dancing.)
he said, "listen."
so i did.
and there were voices all around me, singing such beautiful words. and in this self-contained reality, this time it made sense. i couldn't see--how did i know they existed? they floated through the air around me and i didn't have to lip sync or sing in a whisper.
he said, "don't be ashamed. sing."
so i did.
it must have been what i don't know because only something undefinable can make me feel like this. i wanted to wrap every sad little human up in this and make everything good for once in my life and their's. we're all looking for this, i thought.
he said, "believe."
so i did.
how can one word imply such a harsh act? but it all made sense because everything was inside of me. i could feel something standing next to me, breathing, singing, maybe crying, feeling every piece of electric emotion in this room, but it was all too real. i had to crawl inside myself becaues it was getting to be too much. i couldn't take all this at once. you can't live your whole life being blind then open your eyes to the sun.
he said, "open your eyes."
so i did.
and what i saw reminded me of an old television when you turn it off...the circle grows
smaller...smaller...smaller...
until it pops and you're left staring at the blackness,
wondering where that little circle of light flew away to,
wondering if you could ever join it.