The
Dream Of a Ridiculous Man
Fyodor
Dostoevsky
(Translated by
Constance Garnett)
V
Yes, yes, it ended in my
corrupting them all! How it could come to pass I do not know, but
I remember it clearly. The dream embraced thousands of years and
left in me only a sense of the whole. I only know that I was the
cause of their sin and downfall. Like a vile trichina, like a
germ of the plague infecting whole kingdoms, so I contaminated
all this earth, so happy and sinless before my coming. They
learnt to lie, grew fond of lying, and discovered the charm of
falsehood. Oh, at first perhaps it began innocently, with a jest,
coquetry, with amorous play, perhaps indeed with a germ, but that
germ of falsity made its way into their hearts and pleased them.
Then sensuality was soon begotten, sensuality begot jealousy,
jealousy - cruelty . . . Oh, I don't know, I don't remember; but
soon, very soon the first blood was shed. They marvelled and were
horrified, and began to be split up and divided. They formed into
unions, but it was against one another. Reproaches, upbraidings
followed. They came to know shame, and shame brought them to
virtue. The conception of honour sprang up, and every union began
waving its flags. They began torturing animals, and the animals
withdrew from them into the forests and became hostile to them.
They began to struggle for separation, for isolation, for
individuality, for mine and thine. They began to talk in
different languages. They became acquainted with sorrow and loved
sorrow; they thirsted for suffering, and said that truth could
only be attained through suffering. Then science appeared. As
they became wicked they began talking of brotherhood and
humanitarianism, and understood those ideas. As they became
criminal, they invented justice and drew up whole legal codes in
order to observe it, and to ensure their being kept, set up a
guillotine. They hardly remembered what they had lost, in fact
refused to believe that they had ever been happy and innocent.
They even laughed at the possibility of this happiness in the
past, and called it a dream. They could not even imagine it in
definite form and shape, but, strange and wonderful to relate,
though they lost all faith in their past happiness and called it
a legend, they so longed to be happy and innocent once more that
they succumbed to this desire like children, made an idol of it,
set up temples and worshipped their own idea, their own desire;
though at the same time they fully believed that it was
unattainable and could not be realized, yet they bowed down to it
and adored it with tears! Nevertheless, if it could have happened
that they had returned to the innocent and happy condition which
they had lost, and if someone had shown it to them again and had
asked them whether they wanted to go back to it, they would
certainly have refused. They answered me:
"We may be deceitful,
wicked and unjust, we know it and weep over it, we grieve over
it; we torment and punish ourselves more perhaps than that
merciful Judge Who will judge us and whose Name we know not. But
we have science, and by the means of it we shall find the truth
and we shall arrive at it consciously. Knowledge is higher than
feeling, the consciousness of life is higher than life. Science
will give us wisdom, wisdom will reveal the laws, and the
knowledge of the laws of happiness is higher than
happiness."
That is what they said, and
after saying such things everyone began to love himself better
than anyone else, and indeed they could not do otherwise. All
became so jealous of the rights of their own personality that
they did their very utmost to curtail and destroy them in others,
and made that the chief thing in their lives. Slavery followed,
even voluntary slavery; the weak eagerly submitted to the strong,
on condition that the latter aided them to subdue the still
weaker. Then there were saints who came to these people, weeping,
and talked to them of their pride, of their loss of harmony and
due proportion, of their loss of shame. They were laughed at or
pelted with stones. Holy blood was shed on the threshold of the
temples. Then there arose men who began to think how to bring all
people together again, so that everybody, while still loving
himself best of all, might not interfere with others, and all
might live together in something like a harmonious society.
Regular wars sprang up over this idea. All the combatants at the
same time firmly believed that science, wisdom and the instinct
of self-preservation would force men at last to unite into a
harmonious and rational society; and so, meanwhile, to hasten
matters, 'the wise' endeavored to exterminate as rapidly as
possible all who were 'not wise' and did not understand their
idea, that the latter might not hinder its triumph. But the
instinct of self-preservation grew rapidly weaker; there arose
men, haughty and sensual, who demanded all or nothing. In order
to obtain everything they resorted to crime, and if they did not
succeed - to suicide. There arose religions with a cult of
non-existence and self-destruction for the sake of the
everlasting peace of annihilation. At last these people grew
weary of their meaningless toil, and signs of suffering came into
their faces, and then they proclaimed that suffering was a
beauty, for in suffering alone was there meaning. They glorified
suffering in their songs. I moved about among them, wringing my
hands and weeping over them, but I loved them perhaps more than
in old days when there was no suffering in their faces and when
they were innocent and so lovely. I loved the earth they had
polluted even more than when it had been a paradise, if only
because sorrow had come to it. Alas! I always loved sorrow and
tribulation, but only for myself, for myself; but I wept over
them, pitying them. I stretched out my hands to them in despair,
blaming, cursing and despising myself. I told them that all this
was my doing, mine alone; that it was I who had brought them
corruption, contamination and falsity. I besought them to crucify
me, I taught them how to make a cross. I could not kill myself, I
had not the strength, but I wanted to suffer at their hands. I
yearned for suffering, I longed that my blood should be drained
to the last drop in these agonies. But they only laughed at me,
and began at last to look upon me as crazy. They justified me,
they declared that they had only got what they wanted themselves,
and that all that now was could not have been otherwise. At last
they declared to me that I was becoming dangerous and that they
should lock me up in a madhouse if I did not hold my tongue. Then
such grief took possession of my soul that my heart was wrung,
and I felt as though I were dying; and then . . . then I awoke.
It was morning, that is, it
was not yet daylight, but about six o'clock. I woke up in the
same arm-chair; my candle had burnt out; everyone was asleep in
the captain's room, and there was a stillness all round, rare in
our flat. First of all I leapt up in great amazement: nothing
like this had ever happened to me before, not even in the most
trivial detail; I had never, for instance, fallen asleep like
this in my arm-chair. While I was standing and coming to myself I
suddenly caught sight of my revolver lying loaded, ready - but
instantly I thrust it away! Oh, now, life, life! I lifted up my
hands and called upon eternal truth, not with words, but with
tears; ecstasy, immeasurable ecstasy flooded my soul. Yes, life
and spreading the good tidings! Oh, I at that moment resolved to
spread the tidings, and resolved it, of course, for my whole
life. I go to spread the tidings, I want to spread the tidings -
of what? Of the truth, for I have seen it, have seen it with my
own eyes, have seen it in all its glory.
And since then I have been
preaching! Moreover I love all those who laugh at me more than
any of the rest. Why that is so I do not know and cannot explain,
but so be it. I am told that I am vague and confused, and if I am
vague and confused now, what shall I be later on? It is true
indeed: I am vague and confused, and perhaps as time goes on I
shall be more so. And of course I shall make many blunders before
I find out how to preach, that is, find out what words to say,
what things to do, for it is a very difficult task. I see all
that as clear as daylight, but, listen, who does not make
mistakes? And yet, you know, all are making for the same goal,
all are striving in the same direction anyway, from the sage to
the lowest robber, only by different roads. It is an old truth,
but this is what is new: I cannot go far wrong. For I have seen
the truth; I have seen and I know that people can be beautiful
and happy without losing the power of living on earth. I will not
and cannot believe that evil is the normal condition of mankind.
And it is just this faith of mine that they laugh at. But how can
I help believing it? I have seen the truth - it is not as though
I had invented it with my mind, I have seen it, seen it, and the
living image of it has filled my soul for ever. I have seen it in
such full perfection that I cannot believe that it is impossible
for people to have it. And so how can I go wrong? I shall make
some slips no doubt, and shall perhaps talk in second-hand
language, but not for long: the living image of what I saw will
always be with me and will always correct and guide me. Oh, I am
full of courage and freshness, and I will go on and on if it were
for a thousand years! Do you know, at first I meant to conceal
the fact that I corrupted them, but that was a mistake - that was
my first mistake! But truth whispered to me that I was lying, and
preserved me and corrected me. But how establish paradise - I
don't know, because I do not know how to put it into words. After
my dream I lost command of words. All the chief words, anyway,
the most necessary ones. But never mind, I shall go and I shall
keep talking, I won't leave off, for anyway I have seen it with
my own eyes, though I cannot describe what I saw. But the
scoffers do not understand that. It was a dream, they say,
delirium, hallucination. Oh! As though that meant so much! And
they are so proud! A dream! What is a dream? And is not our life
a dream? I will say more. Suppose that this paradise will never
come to pass (that I understand), yet I shall go on preaching it.
And yet how simple it is: in one day, in one hour everything
could be arranged at once! The chief thing is to love others like
yourself, that's the chief thing, and that's everything; nothing
else is wanted - you will find out at once how to arrange it all.
And yet it's an old truth which has been told and retold a
billion times - but it has not formed part of our lives! The
consciousness of life is higher than life, the knowledge of the
laws of happiness is higher than happiness - that is what one
must contend against. And I shall. If only everyone wants it, it
can be arranged at once.
And I tracked down that
little girl . . . and I shall go on and on!
END
IV