Sat. afternoon, evening, whatever, M. called. Ugh. This whole day has felt like a nightmare.

He ranted about my wu about Tom. His jealousy drove him to rage and frustration. I was glad, delighted to hear him so angry at me. I raged right back at him. Then I hung up on him at some point. I soon realized that I had been crying and he might come over, so I called him back in order to prevent that. He answered the phone, and he didn't sound irrational, so I decided he hadn't been planning on doing that, so I hung up on him again.

I was wrong. He showed up, just in time for me to rage at him again, which I did.

My basic point was, first, after I broke up with him the first time, and he refused to take me back, all this time he has never taken any responsibility for even looking at what was going on with me at that point in time. I have always taken all (100%) of the responsibility for the breakup. This past week, he finally acknowledged his part in the breakup, how many years later? It doesn't really matter, I couldn't handle a relationship at the time. But it unleashed my anger and rage at him for giving up, for leaving me and my children alone at a time when I/we really needed him in my/our life. What if he had kept trying? What if I had had him with me a few more months? What if I am wrong, what if I could have dealt with it?

I had another point too, point two, point to, his next girlfriend after me. He started dating her and moved in with her very quickly after we broke up. She was wrong wrong wrong wrong for him, but he pretended she was fine. And then he proceeded to stay with her for tenyears. I had crappy boyfriends too, but I gave them up. The longest was the last one, 2 1/2 years, and he had more M. qualities than any of the other ones. I kept looking for another M. in my life. I never stopped loving M. and knowing he was truly the one. But M. gave up on me, and never looked back.

I can't even begin to express my rage and anger and hatred for the level of betrayal I feel for this third person in my life.

I have now developed a new philosophy of life. 1. There is no such thing as real "romantic" love. 2. There is no such thing as "real" friendship.