I am so fscking tired today. In bed at midnight, up at 5:30 to slam the snooze button ten times. Four days in a row. I can't take it! I am slowly weaning myself from caffiene and it sucks. I really feel the tiredness, with no hyper-buzz on top, and I don't like it.
And work is just insane. I have been interrupted so many times, afraid to start a big project that needs doing as I'm supposed to learn Citrix client and program installs from the engineer, except the hardware failed and he's reinstalling from the ground up.
I'm supposed to meet some friends for happy hour in B'more, at my fave happy hour bar Max's. T. is depressed, L. is bummed out, I'm a fucking basket case, and M. is probably just fine as usual. So maybe with any luck, I'll be able to have more than one beer, and my stomach won't whine, and I'll be JUST FINE!!!!
Then I'll come home and study for that stupid test. Maybe.
I hate M. I hate him so much I could just scream. This traumatic transference thing has got to go. I try to ignore my hate for him, because I know it's not "real", I'm just projecting my hate
for my grandfather and mother onto him. And maybe more people, who knows? But when I hear from him physically, and sometimes e-mail, I often become filled with rage
. Which is frustrating when I can't control it, or it isn't attached to something real. It changes very quickly into guilt filled hate
, so hard to deal with.