I find it very difficult to continue having feelings. Nothing but sadness and pain bubble up from underneath. My thoughts always go to my grandfather's molesting me. I can't keep it off my mind. Things remind me of it over and over. I hate men right now, again. It's so boring talking about being sad over and over. But it is really painful - I want to cry right now, but I'm at work. Tears keep leaking out of my eyes.
I went to a belly dancing class with my friend last night. It was a lot of fun. I didn't really know what to expect - what can you really learn in eight weeks anyway? She taught us to use our bodies in ways we were taught not to. I expect there will be a lot more of that coming up. It was cool - I think this class will help me reclaim my body - if I let it - and love my body for what it can do, not what it isn't or doesn't look like. The women there were all different shapes and sizes and ages. I really like that, because I don't feel like I'm the oldest one there.
I was definitely the heaviest one there. Not by a whole lot, though, and it didn't actually bother me. I really want to lose this last 20 pounds that have been refusing to budge for the past year. I know what it's all about, anyway. I keep choosing foods that will not contribute to weight loss. I've been doing that because it feels safer to hide behind the fat. Like I'm more protected from pain, or men, or my sexuality, or new things. When all it really does it prevent me from growing. The past two weeks I've been trying to force new awareness of this issue to myself. To really understand it and believe it. I am the one choosing inactivity and fatty foods. The previous 20 or more pounds came off in less than a year. Now I have maintained that weight loss for about 14 months. So, yes, that's obviously something I've learned to do, great.
I also realize that what I've gone through in therapy has been enormous. A lifetime of loss condensed into six months
. But the worst is
really over, I know it is. This is "just" mourning and growing and learning to be a single unit. The worst pain, the reliving of trauma, is really over. It's all out, out in the open. I've let go of so many things. Can't I let go of 20 pounds?