I feel so sad today. Last night after a long conversation with M., I realized that I have been holding both of us to a strict time-table of change. When we started dating again last January, things moved forward pretty fast. We found that we had never stopped loving each other. We both talked about marriage. Seriously discussing it. And then, in the few months after my grandmother died, things started falling apart for me. And any chance of carrying on a normal relationship ended for me. M. elected to support me, instead of leaving and going on with his life (maybe finding some one normal).
I have played out my attachment issues and abuse issues with him over this past year. Things inside have changed so fast and so permanently (it feels) that now I am already in the beginning phase of integration. Meanwhile, I have told him about some issues about himself that I don’t like and won’t accept in a “husband”. His progress in those areas has been almost nonexistent, and I have been feeling every week that I must make a decision about him, about us based on his progress. After all – I’m making significant progress with my issues! Why can’t he?
I finally realized that my timetable was about a year for both of us – a year for me to integrate my personalities and “be fixed”; a year for him to deal with his issues and get his shit together.
I think I really have to let go of the idea of marrying him for now. Otherwise, it will keep hanging over my head, bugging me until I really break up with him. Maybe that’s what I should do, but I suspect my therapist may be right – now is not the time to make any decisions. Hang in there with the ambivalence and ambiguity, and bask in his unconditional love.
And, since he's open to the idea, try and meet some bi-chicks and have some fun!