April 20, 2001 (idea)

I hardly did any work yesterday. I am still in that very strange space, where I don't really care, I don't feel like working, and no one is going to find out, so I will continue to do as little as possible.

I went to my OA meeting as usual on Thursday nights. I spoke, the words seemed chaotic and meaningless to anyone who isn't me. For some reason, whatever I said resonated with several people, because they came up to me after and hugged me and thanked me for saying it. It's always when I don't know what I'm talking about that people appreciate it the most.

But after enduring a year, a YEAR, of horrid, intensive, EMDR and other mixed media therapy, I have to realize that there is a lot of work yet ahead of me. I'm not integrated. I just don't have people anymore. I have to grow up now, and I have a long, difficult year ahead of me, possibly more, and how if I don't then I will slip backwards, not stay stable, so I have little choice in the matter, if I ever want to truly live, and not just survive the remainder of my short life.

By the way, I've been to that ACME too, and I saw kmcardle deliberately, and without provocation kick that stock boy in the nuts on purpose.