Hello, me.. It's been about 6 week
s since my last daylog. What's going on?
Good things: Semester over in about 3 weeks. No plans for summer = lots of possibilities. Going to Austin this friday to see Built to Spill. Doing well in classes. Listening to a lot of cool music. Been playing You Don't Know Jack.. c'est fun. I read The Little Prince, what an awesome book.
Bad things: Still sick (my throat, tonsils, and ears are infected.) Not doing my best in school. I am still too serious.. (no direction, no friends, etc.)
I had a (very) short lived relationship, it ended quickly because I decided that I would not be able to have a non-serious relationship without getting seriously hurt. I feel really stuck up. I don't know.. it just didn't feel right.. there was too much lust. As a 19 year old male, you think I would be all for consentual sexual experimentation, but no..
I have the urge to call up or IM my old ex, but I decide not to.. I really shouldn't be thinking about it, but, I wonder if she'll call me in the next couple of months. Well, time to do the one thing I can do, sleep..
The next day
My thought of the day: sex scares the hell out of me. Fact: A major issue (explicit or implicit) in all of my 2000 and 2001 relationships (well, I am a loser.. so this is all of 3) has been sex. I do not have an issue with pre-martial sex, however, I do have an issue with casual sex. If I have sex with anyone, I want to be 100% sure that we truely care about each other (or even better, love each other). I have been close to sex on more than one occasion, but I have always turned it down. Now that I look at it, I fear that I did not explain it to one of my ex's and that she mistook my sex anxiety as a rejection... : (
Why am I so scared of sex? Well, I think that I am scared of getting close to people, and it would follow that I would be scared of sex..
More random thoughts::
STILL thinking about calling her.