last night i went to a small show at a local coffehouse. an intimate little gathering, just some friends there to see other friends perform. and she showed up. her. the girl who a year and a half later i still can't get over. the girl who despite all efforts, i just can't stop loving. a year and a half she shows up. with her new boyfriend.
i dreamt about her. no, not that kind of dream. something a thousand times more painful than any meaningless sex dream could be. i dreamt i held her hand. and then we looked at each other. she smiled at me. but more than that. i don't know how else to put it, she smiled at me with her eyes. she looked at me and got that look in her eyes, the one she used to get when we were together. the one that with just one look says, i love you. you make me happier than i've ever been in my life. the look that said i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i wake up in my bed, alone. i can feel myself dying all over again.
I used to dream about her as I was drifting off to sleep, the lateness of the hour pulling me under, into dreams that were dark and lusty and warm.
Now I think of her as I awaken in the brightness of morning, just after waking, but before I can bring myself to pull the covers away and rise.
It's cold and my eyes burn these days.
All of the images have changed. They are in focus today.
My dreams are shifting into thoughts of practicality and improbability, and you know, none of it is pretty.
Not in the least.
-stolen from bittersweets.org
update: looking back now, i think that was the last painful cathartic
experience i needed to get over her for good. not just "i'm over you simply because i'm going to shove all memories of you deep into the back of my mind and just not have to think about you" but over. i had this realization about a month ago when my roadtrip buddy going to Austin
cancelled on me at the last minute i was hurredly searching for a replacement and asked her. the email i got back wasn't surprising. current boyfriend wouldn't think too much of her road-tripping with ex-boyfriend. of course. but what surprised me was my reaction. the first thing i thought was am i ever going to get the "ex-boy" part dropped from my "friend" title?
. wow that felt good.