It was a beautiful spring day, the kind you visit the woman of your dreams with a dozen roses and some melted chocolates. She lived alone in suburbia, in a giant run down house that still maintained it's inner antiquity and beauty... She was tall, light brown hair, green eyes... wearing a sun dress and looking absolutely gorgeous. She waved to me and announced to me she would make sweet, passionate love to the man that first stepped into her house. She then walked through a door and the door became a wall.

That's when Disco Stu showed up. We started a foot race that ended up into a running shoving match before we made it to the door that turned into a wall. He immediately noticed this and ran around to the other side of the house where there was a door. I went the other way, and found a door. I walked up to it only being able to see Disco Stu turn into Brian Feldman and laugh at me as he locked the door. The Dream Girl walked to the window of the door and told me she'd let me in a minute, but I was furious at my former friend, and ran around to the door on the other side of the house that he went into, only to find windows and more of his laughing face. The Dream girl then told me to not be worried, 'for there is always a way down...'

I looked down. There was a crawl space that led to the basement of the house, so I went in. In the basement there was a lot of wooden poles and tools and such. So when Brian Feldman came down the stairs into the basement, I was ready to beat the living snot out of him. I picked up a 6 foot long wooden pole, he grabbed a shovel. At first his kendo-trained-self whooped on me, but just like in all good action movies, he turned into a midget and the tides were turned. Since I was laying the kung-fu midget smack down out on the field grass of his ass, I won the girl. And we wisked away to the kitchen to feed me. Because food is good.

But then I felt something on my leg.... so I looked down, and there was midget boy Brian Feldman humpimg my knee...

Needless to say that woke me up, fearing for my life.