I'm in the middle of a massive indoor structure. It's so big that I can't see the walls or ceiling, but I know that I am inside because I don't feel any wind and my footsteps echo as I walk along.

There are no lights in the building. I am carrying a flashlight that provides some illumination in the space a few metres around me. Eventually I come to a piano. It is black and glossy, and the beam of light is reflected off it.

I sit down and begin to play. This is strange because I can't play the piano. I play the theme tune from "Legend of Zelda" then I get up and continue walking.

After a long walk I reach the wall. There is a metal shutter in the middle of it with an electronic panel on the wall beside it. The buttons on the panel represent the numbers to 8. I don't know the combination to open the shutter. I press the buttons in the following order:

01284131

The shutter slowly rolls open and I step outside into an unfamiliar rural environment. The sky is slate grey and it looks like it will begin to rain at any moment. I walk across the grass away from the building, which looks like an aircraft hanger of incredibly vast proportions, eventually reaching a dirt-track road.

Heading along the road, I see a blue car. I open the door and see a film crew crammed into the small space inside. They look at me angrily. The director gets out of his folding chair, approaches me and says:

"Do you mind? We're trying to make a porno movie here."

I apologise for interrupting and start walking away, then I turn around and say:

"Hey, what are you doing in my car!?"

TODAY I BEAT UP A MIDGET



It was a beautiful spring day, the kind you visit the woman of your dreams with a dozen roses and some melted chocolates. She lived alone in suburbia, in a giant run down house that still maintained it's inner antiquity and beauty... She was tall, light brown hair, green eyes... wearing a sun dress and looking absolutely gorgeous. She waved to me and announced to me she would make sweet, passionate love to the man that first stepped into her house. She then walked through a door and the door became a wall.

That's when Disco Stu showed up. We started a foot race that ended up into a running shoving match before we made it to the door that turned into a wall. He immediately noticed this and ran around to the other side of the house where there was a door. I went the other way, and found a door. I walked up to it only being able to see Disco Stu turn into Brian Feldman and laugh at me as he locked the door. The Dream Girl walked to the window of the door and told me she'd let me in a minute, but I was furious at my former friend, and ran around to the door on the other side of the house that he went into, only to find windows and more of his laughing face. The Dream girl then told me to not be worried, 'for there is always a way down...'

I looked down. There was a crawl space that led to the basement of the house, so I went in. In the basement there was a lot of wooden poles and tools and such. So when Brian Feldman came down the stairs into the basement, I was ready to beat the living snot out of him. I picked up a 6 foot long wooden pole, he grabbed a shovel. At first his kendo-trained-self whooped on me, but just like in all good action movies, he turned into a midget and the tides were turned. Since I was laying the kung-fu midget smack down out on the field grass of his ass, I won the girl. And we wisked away to the kitchen to feed me. Because food is good.

But then I felt something on my leg.... so I looked down, and there was midget boy Brian Feldman humpimg my knee...




Needless to say that woke me up, fearing for my life.

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