I'm being pulled in all directions!
I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm not getting what I want. It seems that everyone wants something from me. Although it's pretty nice to have other people thinking about me, it's not really the way I want them to think about me. How about my desires, my needs? Self-indulgent, yes, but perhaps that's what I've been lacking all this time?
At work, I'm required to do a specific job. Fine. And when my co-workers want me to do them something, I do it. But whenever it comes time for me to ask them to do something, it takes forever to even get a response! I'm beginning to get that feeling again of wanting to quit my job.
In my subculture society groups, I have the Independent Business, the DSCR car club, and the Tori Amos message board. These worlds stay apart from each other as each of them involve different aspects of my personailty. But each and every one of them seem to want me to do something, or impose insensitive comments upon me. A lot of shit is coming out of these societies that I belong to. Perhaps the only solace I receive is from the Tori Amos message board. I know at least that most of them are understanding enough to not become insensitive to others. That particular place also seems to bring the best out of me. I know now where I'll spend most of my time.
One word: Relationships. Save the best/worst for last. I've met two women through the site and they both seem to be very decent and hard-working and very beautiful. I have yet to physically meet them, but already, I feel as though I'm being pulled by them. I feel the pressure that relationships, any relationship incurrs among men like me. Both of them don't seem to make any time for leisure. I should have known this before I joined. Perhaps I'm expecting a little too much from these people. I hardly know them, yet want something from them. But is it so much to ask for? Only a little attention, please.
So what am I suppose to do? Take this all in stride? Is this what living is suppose to be about? Wrought with anxiety, neuroticism and inadequacies?
There is one fear I have that's ruling these days: "All that is gained can also be lost." In other words, "Easy come, easy go." I hate that saying.
Ugh. I also feel my own emotions are taking over my sense of being. These abandonment withdrawal symptoms
aren't helping my condition. Sometimes I just want to not feel at all. The book tells me to become more Zen
-like and reform the energy to live in the moment
. Hardly successful as my mind tends to wander away from it. And then when I do achieve it, I question its method for helping me get through the day. What about the important thoughts? Should I not listen to my thoughts? I still have to finish reading the second section to get a full description of the techniques.