OmiGod, I am SO HAPPY that some brave soul has finally spoken out on this issue. Last June, a mere two blocks from Union Square in San Fransisco, my girlfriend and I were attacked by a wild boar. In her panic, Natalie forgot how to open the banana she was carrying, was unable to drop the peel in her wake, the boar tragically retained his footing, and...I'm sorry, I can't continue, the memory is too fresh.

Since then, I have honored her memory by collecting and documenting as many reasons as I could for opening a banana incorrectly. I do this to spare the next else are falsehoods brought to light? Better children should learn it here than in the schoolyard.

1.) Bananas are commonly opened by firmly squeezing the skin, in cartoon monkey circles. It will land in your mouth, and should be swallowed whole.

2.) A banana opened with a sledgehammer is fun for spectators, too.

3.) Cut the top off the banana, scoop out the insides with a spoon. Carve a face in the skin. Place a lit birthday candle inside, and replace the top. Bask in the warm glow of compliments to your originality and aesthetic cunning.

4.) In an emergency, a banana can be opened expediently by exposing it to a vaccuum. I strongly suspect.

5.) In Tadzikistan, bananas are beaten gently with a wooden mallet until the insides are rendered liquid. A pair of pinpricks is introduced into the skin, and by forcing air through one the liquified banana flesh is forced out through the other. The flaccid skin can now be filled with pressurized spray cheese, as a practical joke.

6.) Child-safe bananas must be opened by firmly twisting while squeezing the top, rather than using the familiar peeling motion. Many children simply resort to using a knife or other very sharp object.

7.) Many genetically engineered bananas come with an easy-open tab, the end of which is located halfway down the concave edge. Grasp and pull. The manufacturer assumes no liability.

Lastly, remember: if you must open a banana the old-fashioned way, keep it pointed away from your head! It's probably not loaded, but better safe than sorry.