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December 10, 2000 (idea)
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(
idea
)
by
Randofu
Sun Dec 10 2000 at 20:49:42
Fear
Life
kinda
seems
to
be
falling
apart
.
It all
began
yesterday.
In the
morning, it came to my
attention
that
Mr
. Gill,
someone
I've
known
for
years
and
admired
, passed
away
because of some
sort
of
cancer
.
My
mom didn't
let
me
swim
because I was
sick
.
As
it
turned
out, the boys
lost
by only 4
points
to
our
greatest
rivals
. 4 points that, had I been there, I
would
have
guaranteed
for our
team
just
by swimming
. I could
have
just
taken my
time. But no, my mom decided that I was too sick, so I
couldn't
go.
I was
perfectly
fine
! I
just
have a little
sniffle
, that's
all
.
I've
had a little sniffle about
once
a
month
every month
for
the
past
few
months
. I'm
scared
that it's AIDS (
equivalent of a pregnancy scare
),
but since
writing that the fear
has subsided
a bit.
I'm
getting
tested
tomorrow.
Fortunately
, the
only
guy
who I
REALLY
think
I could have gotten it from, I didn't
have sex
with
him
until
recently
. So if I do have AIDS, I wouldn't have any
symptoms
.
So that
makes it more
likely
that I'm just sick, and it isn't AIDS.
Then
again, maybe I have it from him, and symptoms haven't
developed
yet.
Who's
to
say
?
I could
get
lucky and discover that I'm
totally
clean. Then I
can celebrate
, partially because I'm
clean
, and also because my eyes have been opened and I'm gonna be more careful in the
future
. :)
When
I was
worried
that I might have AIDS, I went to an old gay
chat
that I used to frequent. I wanted to talk to my
friend
there
about
it,
since he
had AIDS. We had
told
each other a lot about
ourselves
, and I held him as a pretty
close friend
. I
hadn't
seen him in about 2 months though. As it turned out... he died in October. That was just the
last
straw.
I had
never
seen American
Beauty
before (
SPOILERS BELOW
), so I started
watching
that when I went to
bed
. It
was
kinda depressing
too
, but the end
was uplifting
at least.. it helped me get to sleep. I feel
sorry
for
everyone
in that movie. They were all victims.
Except
for Lester,
who
gets
killed
because someone else
can't
handle
being
a
victim
. But he was free, and that's
what
I
want to
be. I honestly
don't
know who I felt
most
sorry for. And it was
weird
... I couldn't relate to any
particular
character, but I related to pieces of them. Angela didn't want to be ordinary, and enjoyed people
looking
at
her
. The only difference
between
me and her is that I've
actually
done
those
things... The guy with the
camera
, whose
name
escapes me, reminds me of
how
I
feel
at
church
. I
feel different
, perhaps a
little too
unique. And his
dad
reminds me of mine. It's a little sad.
This
morning I got
up
and went to church. My nose ran
throughout
the
service
, but I didn't
care
much. I still don't know what's up with that
guy
. I found myself getting
teary eyes
several times when I thought about Jason and Mr.
Gill
. The odd
thing
was that the guy who
looks at
me would get the teary
eyes
too. The day I get the nerve to speak to him will probably be the
day
that I die. I see
pain
in his eyes that seems to mirror
mine
, the pain of being misunderstood, of having to lie because
people
don't
understand
the truth. I don't
know
if he's gay or not.
I don't
really
think that
my
interest
in him is about that. I just feel a connection there. I
want
to know why...
December 9, 2000
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Pain is not negated by the presence of a greater pain somewhere else in the universe
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wa7
Seeing your password right there on the screen
sendmail
Bastard!!