I feel like I am going insane. Not in say, a Jim Carrey kind of way. I'd call it more of an
Ophelia insanity. I never thought words could hurt so much. I've taken comfort in the fact that
the words I see on my computer screen can't touch me. They can't hurt me. I control them. But lately they have controlled me. They control when I sleep, when I eat, when I go out. I am
addicted to these words. Not so much the words themselves, as much as the faces behind them. The faces whose eyes will never rest on me. Whose lips will never
talk to me. Whose ears will never hear me.
And the words hurt. When they yell at me, when they tear at my soul with their venomous talons of hatred, when they tell me I'm worthless. I believe them. I look deep down inside of myself and tear myself apart. I've never known anything but these words I see on a daily basis. I used to take comfort and solstice in their kind and generous counsel, but they've turned on me and I have no choice left but to run. Oh, poor Ophelia. Can't you see my walls are crumbling?
I was accepted to two more colleges today. There's only one I still have to hear from, and I'm going to an interview there on Monday. I hate college. I hate my parents. I hate people. I hate everything. I hate to hate. But it feels so good. "I can't handle you anymore." Those words hurt more than anything else. Lately, I can't handle myself either. But I have to deal with it on my own now. It's just me and my words now. Like it was before. Like it will be for the rest of my life. But it hurts so much..